Monday, July 18, 2005

I Never Have Been, But I COULD BE

A very good friend of mine is having marital problems. Not of the I Hate My Husband Because He Leaves His Socks On The Floor And I Think I Am Going To Have To Suffocate Him For It variety but of the serious oh-shit kind.

She is my best friend in the world. And I am heartbroken for her. Whether they make it through this or not things are irreparably different from now on.

I also feel guilty. Because I didn't want her to marry him. And I didn't tell her.

I had good reason not to tell her, and I still won't. She would have married him anyway and I would have damaged our friendship. I like to think that I know her as well as I know myself, but I do not know the inner workings of their relationship. Perhaps this is just a bump, and the behavior I see as domineering, cruel and dickish is really just being misinterpreted. Or maybe he is just a big cocksucker.

Problem is he is her cocksucker. For better or for worse. I know, I was a bridesmaid.

I have seen this relationship from the beginning and have never really understood it. But I know there are people who look at me and J and don't get it either.

I want to tell her things will be ok. That they will survive this and grow old together and she will get everything she wants. But I know that it would not be true. To keep their marriage she might have to give up a few things. And to let it go is giving up something else altogether.

I think that this is the hardest part of being a friend. To know where the friendship ends and the out of bounds begins. All I know is she is my friend. I will never judge her harshly (except for those really ugly tapered jeans I found in her closet the last time I was there--UNACCEPTABLE). I refuse to judge her at all. I love her no matter what just as I know she loves me.

I hope that is enough.

And, for once, I hope I am wrong.

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