Monday, February 28, 2011

I Am Just Saying The Show Involved a Hot Dude in Gold Short Shorts Singing Journey

I can't say that February was my favorite month.

My father was in the ICU for a few days and we now know he has a very serious liver disease. He has lost forty pounds in the last month. However, he is home from the hospital and working part time and every day he isn't in the hospital is a good day.

The kiddo got a nasty stomach flu and had me scrubbing her carseat, every surface in the house and sadly, MY HAIR, from vomit. Which I then got. For five days I couldn't do anything but stay in bed and hope that one day I would be able to drink water without vomiting up my toenails. I lost six pounds in those five days.

I also missed out on a job that I had been promised. One that would have been challenging and ideally suited for me and also more family friendly than I have now. Also more money. And I am near tears again just thinking about it.

But at the end of the month was J and my anniversary--a biggie--TEN YEARS. I walked around all day in this very annoying way shouting TEN YEARS like I was in Gross Pointe Blank. It is hard to believe that we were ever twenty two years old. Somehow it is also hard to believe that we are not still twenty two years old. I don't know what possessed twenty two year old me to get married--it remains my most impulsive decision of my lifetime. I decided to marry him despite having no logical reason and doing it entirely based on gut. And it has turned out to be my best decision. We celebrated by spending the night downtown in Seattle, in a hotel, after eating an AMAZING meal. And going to a burlesque show. The show was awesome. We drank way too much wine and then more wine at the show. And also shots. And the evening ended with us walking back to our hotel singing Queen all the way.

Marry a man who knows all the words to Fat Bottomed Girls is what I am saying.

May ending February on a high note be a sign of good things for March. Less puking, parents in the ICU and soul crushing career sadness ahoy!

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Going To Need A Lot of Pep Talks

Saturday morning I struggled to wake up for Mo's birthday party. I had so much to do. I had been up late cleaning and baking and worrying too much about getting everything ready. And then the phone rang.

My mother apologized because they would miss the party. I still can't believe that this is what they worried about. My father was bleeding in the ER. Had been bleeding all night.

He is still in the ICU and though he will survive and (hopefully) for quite some time I am devastated. We don't have a lot of answers and all that is clear is that nothing will ever be the same. All I hear now is this low level hum of anxiety.

In the months coming up my parents are going to have to make some tough choices about treatment for my father. Because of his type of illness I am going to have to make some choices too. This is what it is to be a family. To feel the sadness that threatens to split you wide open.

My husband gave me a pep talk this morning. Said the words that people need to hear when their world is falling apart. I find myself repeating them again and again. Because I have to get up tomorrow - no matter what happens.