All Star

As a Cub's fan I am required by law to hate the Cardinals. They are our fiercest rivals, their city has an inferiority complex, and their mascot is really stupid and annoying. . the reasons are endless. But the biggest reason, one not dictated by Cubs Nation, but which I revel in, is Tony La Russa.

I hate Tony La Russa.

I would run him over with a bus gladly. Actually no, that is too fast, no time to enjoy that. Would rather just strap him to the lamp post in my yard and let my dogs pee on him for a few weeks. Extra treats if you can splash it up by his eyes BUSTER!

I believe in my heart of hearts that Tony La Russa is everything that is wrong with baseball. He gets a lot of bootlicking from basically everyone in sports. Sportscenter practically genuflects when he comes on screen. Even Joe Morgan, my favorite baseball analyst (who is generally pretty fair if you can get past his clear preference for the NL and his general namedropping--but the guy played on the Big Red Machine, he is bound to be biased, I wear high heels and I think women who can't hack them are pussies so I can't fault him for griping about the designated hitter. Much) worships at the alter of La Russa. He practically gets down and sucks his cock whenever he can. All in the name of "he does things the Right Way."

I don't understand what he does that is so right. He wins a lot of games but I think that is more due to the amazing offenses that his executives have put in his hands. With his lineup you really should win a crapload of games. If you don't you should just change your name to Larry Bowa.

A lot of blather goes on about the strategy of NL games, how that is what is missing from AL games. And how La Russa is the Master of this All Important Strategy. Now I am not an expert, but in the games I have watched it does not seem like a strategy so much as a blind adherence to certain number games that may or may not make sense. If every announcer can accurately call ahead of time if you are going to pull a double switch you aren't being strategic you are following a pattern. One that doesn't always make sense. I have see La Russa do a double switch--pulling the bat out of the hands of a hot hitter--just to get the righty-on-righty/lefty-on-lefty combination. Never mind if the new hitter or pitcher is a good match up for that at-bat. He can't resist the tinkering just for tinkering sake.

I have seen him have Albert Pujols sacrifice bunt. ALBERT PUJOLS. I may argue angrily that people are not giving my boy Derek Lee enough credit for his amazing season but there is no getting around Albert Pujols being one of the best hitters in the game. And pulling the bat out of his hands just strikes me as stupid. Especially since he rarely strikes and is speedy enough to rarely get doubled off. You are giving away outs for no reason. Strategy is great if it wins ballgames--no matter what the dorks at Sportscenter says even the geekiest among us do not tune in to see strategy--but not just not for strategy's sake.

The man made Chris Carpenter the starting pitcher for the All Star game. With plans to pitch him five innings. CHRIS CARPENTER. Who has had a fine season, a great season even, and I know that the managers always take a couple of their own players that really don't deserve it. BUT MY GOD. You have Roger Clemens are your disposal, you have Dontrelle Willis, and you go with Chris Carpenter. That right there is what is wrong with him, this tunnel vision of what he thinks is correct that has no root in logic or numbers or performance. The I-Am-A-Baseball-God-Because-Sportscenter-Says-So complex that he wears like a badge of honor.

St. Louis' display in the World Series last fall should have been their biggest humiliation in that franchise's history. That team is one of the most storied in baseball. And they just LAYED DOWN in front of Boston. And I place that entirely at the feet of Tony La Russa. Before the Series had even begun he had started creating excuses why the Cardinals couldn't win: the Red Sox had momentum (never mind that St. Louis had just finished its own Battle Royale with Houston), no one watches the NL Championship (whatever) and they didn't have home field advantage (ditto). Once they lost the first game he spent the entire press conference saying that the Red Sox couldn't lose. Way to MOTIVATE YOUR TEAM JACKHOLE.

If the manager doesn't think the team can win why on earth would the players think they could? That Series should have been the clash of the two greatest offenses in baseball. The ultimate meeting of two different styles of play, what La Russa gave us was a anti-climatic snore of a Series that was only interesting to see the Sox win. And to see him look like he was going to puke as they celebrated on his field.

La Russa has won a lot of games in the Major Leagues. A LOT. Which I suppose should give him some cred. But as the anointed He Who Does Things Right I would like to point out something my dear dear husband mentioned to me. For a guy who acts outraged about modern influences like trainers and technologically advanced equipment and yes STEROIDS he certainly showed no qualms about managing teams full of players using those substances.

La Russa's big claims to fame came in Oakland during the 80's. Starring the Bash Brothers. And even if you only believe half of what Jose Conseco is selling you know that more than a couple of A's players were using. And if you think an anal-retentive, control freak nutjob like La Russa didn't know that his big bats were using than you are more naive than I can imagine. I personally think that we cannot indict players for drugs they may have used twenty-years ago, nor do I think we should discount records set in the last fifty years (like the big jerkoffs who whine about the sanctity of the game and think that no one who played after 1960 was worth anything--Babe Ruth abused alcohol and played in a diluted league, most of the league used amphetamines and other drugs and thought nothing of it, those have a proven affect on baseball unlike steroid use) but if Mister High And Mighty HOW DARE THEY MAKE A SINGLE CHANGE TO MY GAME WE SHOULD STILL BE WEARING WOOL FLANNEL UNIFORMS AND ONLY PLAY DURING THE DAY can sneer about Barry Bonds and those unproven charges than he needs to account for the Jose Consecos and the Mark McGuires and god knows who else. You built your reputation on their backs so just shut your hole.

I am glad that La Russa is pitching Carpenter. It proves my point and if he gets shelled (and I am not sure who wouldn't given the AL lineup) and the NL loses the game it suits me just fine. I don't think my Cubbies are going anywhere and I would prefer the Cardinals not be given any advantages in the post season. It is not like they would make any good use of them anyway.
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We lost our softball game tonight, loosening our deathgrip on first place. I rocked the house going 4-4 and even blocking the plate for a play at home. J is now bragging about his mad coaching skills. I am thinking that maybe fucking La Russa might be calling me up.