Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Still Struggling

My depression is worse.

I do not know what to do about it really. I do not think that more medication is an answer. I am not sure if counseling is. It is hard to imagine talking about my problems will help but it might. Mostly I feel that if I could just solve one or too it would all be manageable.

In the past few months it seems like everything in my life has fallen apart a little. It started when J had problems at work. We were just starting to feel secure and like we were moving forward. That really took us down a peg I guess.

And then Gladys died.

I have to tell you for a while I thought the world was ending.

There is no preparing for that. There is no way to understand how some people are fortunate and others hit the genetic shit lottery. It was not her time to go and anyone who believes differently can just fuck off. Obviously I am still slipping into anger stage.

In some ways I am grateful for how that made me appreciate what I do have. I love my husband. I make fun of him here often. Actually, I make fun of him in person nearly constantly. But at the risk of sounding like a tool I am so thankful to be married to him. No one else would put up with my shit. And if that means that I have to sleep with a Yankee fan that has invested his 401K in comic books than that is how it has to be.

I am grateful for my family. For my parents and my sister. That all of us are trying to figure out how to make right what went wrong in our lives together. I know that we will figure it out someday.

But losing her hit me in a way that I have not figured out how to deal with yet.

I got some unfortunate medical news that I am not ready to talk about here. Or actually anywhere. It is the big no-go topic around here. I haven't really told anyone because I don't know what we are going to do yet. Its not life threatening. Its not anything that I will not get through ok. It just means my life will be different. It already is. But different isn't always a bad thing. and I do believe that if you wake up each morning. And can breath in and out on your own you are already ahead of the game.

And then the work stuff happened. I do not know what else to say about that. I am going to have to figure out a way to live without loving my work. I have to figure out a way to be positive and just get through it. But I haven't yet.

I am at a loss. I wouldn't blame y'all for not caring about this. I am such a downer. I can't help it though. Just know that I am struggling here. I guess I will figure it out one day.


Eek said...

There are so many things I wish to say that I cannot even begin to properly communicate all of them. I experienced enough of mine own problems and issues that I have an idea about your depression and pain. While I am not giving you any words that will instantly sooth and enlighten, I am letting you know that you are not the first down this very difficult road.

GM said...

I care. Trying to think of how to say this without sounding like a idiot, but talking & counseling might help. When you're depressed, you're sure nothing will help. Maybe you can just trust for the moment that something that has helped others might help you. And not more medication, but maybe different meds? Is your doctor aware of how you're feeling?

Sarcomical said...

i care. don't doubt that there will be a day that all this will be behind you. it may be hard to see that far ahead now, but just knowing it and believing it is important enough.