Monday, April 25, 2005

One Day I Might Be Right

Since I was a little kid, probably a lot younger than was normal or at all healthy, I have wanted to have a plan. A plan for everything. A plan for what happens when your plan works, a plan of what to do if it doesn't, a plan for if an elephant steps all over your fucking plan and you need to find an elephant trainer. STAT.

Plans change. All the time. But just having thought about every possible angle is helpful to me. Even if none of it works out at all.

The thing is I was supposed to get that job. I was. I was qualified. I was a great candidate. She loved me. My references were impeccable. I had some one tell this woman she was a fool if she didn't hire me. I could start right away.

And it just didn't happen.

I don't know what to do. Literally. I am sitting here just like I sat at work today. I am turning over my job to some one on Monday (which is a whole nothing shit storm that I am just ignoring right now) and taking over something else that will take maybe a minute a half a day. And I don't know what to do now.

I can't just move on to plan B because there isn't a plan B.

I have no plan B.

How pathetic am I? But honestly, the last year has been a wind tunnel. I haven't moved forward. I haven't moved forward with anything. I can't make the changes that I need to because I don't control those changes. I can't move forward and I can't move back and nothing is working out the way it was supposed to. I know that not everything can go my way. But something just one thing to even move me forward a hair would be helpful.

I am not a naturally optimistic and sunny person and I am trying really hard to put a positive spin on everything. But Goddamn that is getting hard.

Things that I am not writing about but am still obsessing over:

1. What exactly did my boss mean when he said he thought I was a creative soul and was selling myself short? That he would help me or that he wouldn't?

2. Would I have gotten the job if I had just worn some color instead of all black?

3. Is it too late to join the circus?

4. How am I supposed to continue to love Ephram when his hair looks like that? I know the hairdressers on that show aren't blind because Emily VanCamp always looks lovely so they need to get on the stick and fix that shit now.

5. Why did my bag of popsicles come without any LIME? What kind of people withhold lime from a woman with a sore throat? Are the animals?

I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be better. Some day I will be right.

1 comment:

GM said...

Geez, I get busy for a couple days and look what happens! Sorry to hear about the job - they're all idiots.

And I loooovve tanning beds. Haven't gone much, not at all anymore. I don't really tan anymore, just get these big brown blotches when exposed to sun. I suppose it *could* be related to all that sun exposure when I was a kid and we used tanning oil instead of sunblock!