Pretty Soon I Will Pass Go And Collect $200

There are a lot of things spinning in my head lately. I am trying to learn how to be a good wife and a good employee and how to do everything that I want and need to without making myself crazy.

And I am failing.

I am terrible at failing. Instead of learning from my mistakes and growing I always end up just being determined not to make any. Which, not only prevents me from learning, but also makes me feel like Mt. About To Lose Her Shit all steaming at her breaking point.

My parents did a beautiful thing when I was a kid, they always told me that they would never be mad about my grades if I always did my best. If I brought home an F and had worked my ass off for it than that was fun, but a B was unacceptable if I hadn't done everything I could. This paid off huge in many ways, I always had great grades and I never fought with my parents about it.

The problem is that my parents were unprepared for their neurotic child. Their neurotic child who worries too much about being Her Best all of the time.

I have a terrible history with stress. Lost a bunch of weight and look like a very tired Skeletor for much of my senior year in high school because of stress. I cry, I get too sensitive, I just cannot keep it together when I cannot do My Best.

I have been trying it to cope with it for all my life. Obviously, I am not that successful. I worry about our house being clean and not doing things for J that in my head I know he can do his own damn self and will happily but I still feel like I need to do to be a good wife. I am trying to deal with my expectations which are too high and oddly contradictory to what I hold in value. Everything feels overwhelming, and as much as I hate that word it applies to me here.

I am trying to learn to let go. To not always push so hard. To enjoy my home and family more. And somehow I am getting ambitious about that too. Which is, of course, so very beside the point I could be in another country away from the point right now.

I think a lot, probably way too much, about what kind of person I want to be and whether it is something different than I am today. I think about how my life needs to look and feel for it to feel like my own. I am trying to learn to be able to accept things and to feel more at peace with myself.

And all this zen-shit is kicking my ass.

I am too tired and too spun up in my head to even unravel it all. But someday, someday soon, I will figure it out and feel good in my skin.

And stop having to go to bed at 8:30 because my head is going to burst.

I will take the non-bursting as a start.