Sunday, May 01, 2005

Yet Another Thing to Discuss in Therapy

It is my experience that white guys who listen to Bob Marley fall into two categories. Stoners and assholes.

Stoners cannot help their attraction to Marley. Something in pot calls them to his records and I swear to GOD they all listen to him for hours and hours. Usually while eating bags of Doritos and jars of peanut butter. They are every goddamn Spicolli cliche come true.

The rest are just lumped together as assholes for convenience. It is perfectly fine for white guys to like Bob Marley. His music is good. But far too many of them are re-living their frat days when they sat around drinking with other privilege white guys and talked about tits and ass. Another category is the guy who thinks he is liberal and empathizes with Marley. I believe it is fucking impossible for white people to empathize with Marley. And we should just stop trying for crying outloud. So anyway. Assholes. Not bad people. Not murderers or even jay-walkers. Just assholes*.

So imagine how I feel about my new neighbor across the street who spent the whole fucking afternoon cleaning his garage with Bob Marley playing full blast. Singing along. LOUDLY. Dancing with his fucking broom. Not even stoned. Because stoners have to do the Bob Marley dance. They cannot help themselves. This guy is cleaning his nice middle class garage in his nice middle class neighborhood in his nice middle class life**.

I already sort of hated him. He is weird and goofy. He seems like the kind of guy who was in a frat to bring up the chapter grade point average. Who is always the designated driver. Who tries just way too hard to be cool. He is in no way cool***.

He and his wife moved in last month. I have never seen her and only know that she exists because of the big cheesy sign on the front of their house reading "The Schmucks, George and Carlene****."

He just bugs for some reason. I can't put my finger on it. I am sure he will be nice at the neighborhood barbecues this summer. He just totally seems like the type that will file complaints with the HOA. And freaks out if some one uses his driveway to turn around. And will trim each blade of grass in his yard to the same length.

I just want to run him down with my car.

*I actually like Bob Marley. But I know I am an asshole so its a lesser crime.
**There is nothing wrong with being middle class of course. But if you are doing the stoner dance and singing meaningfully Bob Marley songs when you are middle class then you deserve to have some one shoot at your feet with a pellet gun.
***He looks like Eugene from Grease y'all.
****Obviously not their real names, but not so far off. And their last name rhymes with a euphemism for male genitals that I just KNOW that I am going to blurt out at one point.

No comments: