Yes, I Know I Am An Asshole

I am not a child. But I do have a hard time dealing with realities that even children can accept.

I still get pissed that life isn't fair.

Obviously, I know that it isn't. No one who has ever lost their job for doing it too well has ever entertained the idea that things are fair. But I cannot get past the idea that they should be. Or at least at times give the illusion of fair.

There are people you meet that things just seem to work out for. They live nice middle class lives, with few problems and get great jobs, marry nice people and things just progress naturally. And there are people who just live under a black cloud. Things never go right for them no matter how hard they work.

After Gladys died I couldn't wrap my arms around her being gone when so many other people were still alive. I mean even Ted Bundy lived to forty-three. There is something so fundamentally wrong with some one who had never hurt a fly. Who was living a life of purpose, dying so young when people who do evil live much longer.

A friend of mine has survived breast cancer. Her long-time boyfriend is in kidney failure. They are two of the most positive and happy people I have ever met. She is positive and strong and amazing. And she has another lump in her breast.

There are couples out there who would be amazing parents. Who long for children and go through invasive and horrifying medical procedures to get them who are still childless. And we have people like the parents of Precious Doe, who fatally injured their child and then refused to take her to the hospital. Letting her die over three days on their living room floor because they had outstanding warrants and might be arrested. Then they cut up their child with a kitchen knife and threw her body away. Those people were able to have a child, and I feel fairly confident that they did not need extreme medical intervention to do so.

This is where the idea of God having a plan loses me. I respect that some people may believe that. But I just cannot. A God like that would be cruel. And I just cannot believe in that. I cannot imagine that God would ever put a child into a home with parents who would murder her. And when you stop believing some ultimate plan you realize how little control any of us have over the things that happen in our lives.

All we can control is how we treat one another.

So why exactly, does it feel like those that have the most to be thankful for are the biggest assholes?

Don't worry, I include myself in that one.