I don't drink coffee. Which is considered a criminal act here in Seattle. We released Starbucks into the world and as penance we are obligated to mainline their coffee using at least thirty percent of our annual salaries. But I don't. Not because I do not like coffee. I lurv coffee. I want to kill of my husband and marry coffee. I miss it in a way that is not healthy and entirely proves my point of not drinking it. I have no self control, am pathetic and used to suck that shit down like there was no tomorrow.
In college there were only two of us in my suite that drank coffee. How that is even fucking possible I can't tell you. When we got care packages the nice little old ladies sent us all kinds of gormet deliciousness and the two of us gorged ourselves. Several pots a day. All day every day.
Did you know that much caffeine with make your heart irregular? And prevent you from sleeping? And turn you into a raving lunatic?
So, with much regret, I gave up coffee cold turkey (dear GOD I am OLD) seven years ago. Children born that year are second graders sweet JESUS.
This is how when I went with the girls to Starbucks this morning I get mocked by the entire place for ordering a tall milk.
"I'd like a tall milk please."
"Steamed or warmed?"
"You mean a latte?"
". . ."
And then the indignity of them shouting out, "TALL MILK?" when putting it out on the counter and having every single person in the place turn and look at the freak who doesn't drink coffee what is wrong with her maybe if she drank coffee she wouldn't have such a fucking fat ass and I just want a cigarette . . .
Can you see why we don't even own a coffee pot?