One of the things that convinces me that I will be a terrible mother is my attitude towards experiences that every teenager (or the fun ones) have and how I want my kids to have them.
Especially any daughter I might have.
I really want my daughter to not be in love the first time she has sex. I want her to do it with a friend that she trusts and cares about but not some one she sees as her first love. I was lucky enough to have sex with a friend the first time and I was never embarrassed, actually enjoyed it and I never mistook sex for love in any relationship. That was a gift in college and after when my girlfriends were beating themselves up about hooking up too fast or too slow.
And I want my kids to have a good first drunken experience.
The first time I got drunk I was with a friend of my sister. We were at her house drinking the better part of a large jug of rum with a bunch of dead beat surfers.
God I drank too much. We all did. There were way too many cigarettes and I believe I made out with a surfer or two. And yes, they were inappropriately aged but while that would have concerned my mother it shouldn't have. I believe that I ended up taking a shower that night with my friend's cat.
Yes. I showered with a cat. And yes, that went just as well as you might imagine.
I believe that I danced on her coffee table. I believe I flashed my boobs at scruffy surfers.
But I had the best time. I was supervised by people who were really looking out for me. And yes, I showed a bunch of gross men my boobs but at least they didn't go to my high school so no one was talking me Monday morning. And I learned a lot of important lessons.
1. Know your limits. If you cannot see or walk anymore without assistance you do not need another drink.
2. Do not break the seal. Once you pee you will have to pee every ten minutes until you pass out.
3. Do not ever shower with a cat. Even if you think that nasty little bastard will enjoy it.
4. Making out with boys your don't know is fun. Just remember they were cute when you were drunk. Now they seem like potential statutory rapists.
5. Rum really is the work of the devil. Vodka is the nectar of the gods.
Those really are life lessons that every girl needs. And I didn't get raped, murdered, arrested or pregnant in the process.
And this was before the age of digital cameras so I am fairly certain there aren't any topless photos of me on the internet.