Just Don't Shit Your Pants

I fear white pants.

This fears stems from That Girl, the one that is at every junior high/summer camp/party that wore white pants and got her period. That episode didn't just stain her pants but also her permanent teen record because everyone knows about it. That Girl who was still being embarrassed by that story in high school, college and possibly her first job interview.

Its a hefty fear.

Add to that being a slob and worrying about spilling and also having an ass big enough that white is a risky venture.

But I had a meeting today. One where I needed to look cute and professional. But of course women in my office don't wear suits unless they want to look stuffy and uptight. We have to wear separates that are suit-like but more fashion forward and therefore more of a pain in the ass.

And I have a cute ass pair of white pants. They are wide legged and pin striped and they look fucking awesome with my black jacket. So I had to wear them, knowing that my body loves to betray me and I am risking a karmic ass explosion.

I am unreasonably afraid of shitting my pants considering that I have never actually done that.

Here are my rules for the Wearing of White Pants:

1. Be tall and thin (shoot I break this one every time).

2. If you do not have long and skinny legs wear white pants that are too long, never cropped (if you have legs like my mom's you can wear capri length, if I wore those I would look like an obese dwarf nurse in the least PC situational comedy ever).

3. Wear the highest heels you can stand in. No a little higher than those.

4. If you have a big ass wear a three-quarter length coat.

5. Do not wipe your hands on your pants (very very important).

and finally and most importantly

6. DO NOT SHIT YOU PANTS