I Am Not Sorry

I apologize a lot. For things that are not my fault, for things that I cannot control, for things that have nothing to do with me. I apologized to my dad because his dog is sick. I apologize for other people's computers being broken. I apologize for taking too long to find my bus pass as I get on. And I apologize to my husband for every little thing I do.

It has gotten to the point where I feel like I spend my entire life saying, "I'm sorry."

It is starting to change who I am a bit, as if I feel like I should feel grateful I am allowed to exist. It is making me timid. I feel like I can't control my sorries.

And just so J doesn't come off as a monster who has beaten me into guilty submission I should mention that he screeches at me to STOP APOLOGIZING YOU FUCKING FREAK about a hundred times a day. I can't seem to stop. It is my shorthand for listen to me, pay attention to me, NO REALLY LISTEN. But it is not a good shorthand for that, for once, it sounds so weak. And for two, J doesn't hear that. He hears guilt, he hears shame and he really doesn't understand where it is coming from.

I don't want to be this person. The one that stands stooped over and is afraid to speak up. Who doesn't want to be any trouble. No one ever got anywhere being that way and besides there are enough women in my family that have gone down that road only to turn into shrieking harpy martyrs for me to know that is not where I belong.

So I am trying to erase I am sorry. At least for things that do not have anything to do with me. I am sorry I stepped on your toe. It sucks that your email crashed.

It is a subtle difference. But one I think I need to practice.