Since we have been together people have wondered why J and I are together. Since usually people assume that I am a saint and a wonder I have never really corrected them. I am not going to argue that my husband is not annoying, loud, obnoxious, etc--he totally is--but believe me when I say that I am not a saint.
In the past year it has really started to bother me how people act like he is a piece of shit and I should be given the Nobel Peace Prize for marrying him.
Nobody knows anything about a marriage except the two people in it.
We have a good time. People do not get how important that is. It is more important than love (though we have that) and more important than sex (which duh we have that too, and actually I guess it is part of the fun). You are going to be around each other a lot. You better be able to laugh or you are going to bludgeon him to death in his sleep one night.
I put up a good act in front of people. I feel no need to give semi-strangers a no-holds-barred look at my personality. I look like a nice person. I have an innocent face. I am quiet and kind to people. People assume that I am a nice person and deserve a nice husband.
The truth is neither of us is nice. But he is way closer than I am.
He is the kind of person that will do anything for his friends. Actually for anyone. And people take advantage of that.* He does not care about inconvenience if he can help some one out. He is a fair person, he will always give people the benefit of the doubt. He is incapable of believing that people are trying to fuck him.**
I am not as fair as him. I do always try to account for intent but I know that there are people who are just assholes and I am always watching for that. I care about my friends, but I am not nearly as generous with them as he is, only my closest friends get that treatment.
Before I met J I was dating a very nice man. He was clean cut and sweet and just adored me. He was the most husband material guy I have ever met. He was a veterinarian for crying outloud. And I was not comfortable with him. How could I relax and enjoy myself with some one who was just so good all the time?
I did not need a nice person. I needed what I found. Some one who puts up with my moods, understands that sometimes I will freak out, who will make sure that we always have ice cream and Coca-Cola, who lets me have the down comforter all by myself and will get up before me on weekends to let out our dogs. His job is to be funny and interesting and to keep challenging me.
My job is different. My job is to prevent people from hurting him. My job is to keep people from taking advantage of his generous nature and general lack of self-confidence. My job is to believe in him, because no one else ever has. My job is to know where his wallet and keys and glasses are.
It doesn't really bother me that he plays video games all the time--they make him happy so I am glad that they are there. He is obsessed with the Yankees--no problem, if he wants to love a shit team that is his problem. He collects comics and can't stop talking about politics. So what? He tells off color jokes and he cannot read a room at all. He is inappropriate.
Do I wish he could control himself? Sure. Do I try to make him? YES. But for some one like me, who is more reserved and hates to make an ass of herself, he is liberating. No one is going to pay any attention to me when he is being a fool first. And he does not care about being an ass at all.
It makes me crazy that people don't get it. I know that it hurts him when people think that I am too good for him. Believe me when I say that no one else would be happy married to me. And believe me when I say no one else would be happy married to him.
I guess people who aren't married can't understand. Maybe those that are can't either. But think about how things are different in your relationship behind closed doors. The way you know what the other person needs without thinking about it. J loves to make jokes about how he is the dominant person in our marriage, about how he tricked me into marrying him. It is his defense so that no one can say it first. I let him do it, even play along, because he needs me to. But at home I make no bones about how much I need him.
God that is twee.
*This is what is happening to him at work now I think. He is busting his ass to try to do a good job and I think that his bosses and coworkers know that he will do that even if they treat him like garbage.
**I also know that people slack off at his work, happy to have him cover him because they know that he would never get them busted.
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