Heads Up Smurfette

I think most of us have a few . . . uh . . . dalliances in our pasts that perhaps were not the best ideas. And I know that I had a couple that had Big Giant Warning Signs flashing in red letters in front of me that I just did not pay attention to. I was having fun skipping around like Smurfette, all Fa La La La La FUCKING LA.

Once, the wife of the man I had been dating (oh call it dating, it is easier) called me. Sadly, it wasn't even an indignant get-your-ho-hands-off-my-man call, it was more of a resigned, I-am-required-by-the-freedom-of-information-act-but-do-as-you-will call. Truthfully? I should have known though. Just a tip, if you only have his office number and email and he always wants to come to your place? He is either married or lives with his mother.

YES I SAID IT.

And while it was certainly not my job to force this man to fulfill his vows, that is his Pig Farm thank you, but no one wants to admit that they were the Other Woman not because they were tricked, but because they just didn't want to know.

We have all done it. But we grow from it and stop it and help others to learn to open their damn eyes and not fuck such goddamn tools.

This is why I implore Katie Holmes, yes I know everyone is doing this, but KATIE PLEASE LISTEN! When a man twice your age with two ex-wives and a history of strange relationships suddenly comes your way, sweet talks his religion (cult--tomAto/tomatO) and proposes at breakneck speed? That is not normal.

I know you dreamed of marrying him when you were a kid (though I have done the math and you were very advanced for your age weren't you--when I was four I was going to marry Johnny Quest) but take a deep breath and listen to your mother. And if she isn't jawing at your then open your damn eyes Sister Mary Clarence. I mean the guy isn't respecting your wishes to remain a virgin until you are married because he respects old fashioned values (though a really old fashioned value might be to not talk about your virginity--who are you BRITNEY?) but because the man is gay.

Call me when you are ready for some help. I will be waiting in the living room for his lawyers to show up with a defamation lawsuit.