For Once

J and I have been taking a class on Wednesday nights as part of our on-going conversion process. It is a catch-all class about history and religious practice. There are people in it who want to convert, those who have always been Jewish and some that just want to learn. The sort of mish-mash of purposes lend the class a fluid feel--the rabbis that teach tend to let the class go in whatever direction it wants to--present me with one of my greatest challenges with the course. Oddly enough, my challenge isn't with mastering the material, but with trying not to master the material. My A-student self always wants to ace the test and try for extra credit but in this course does not have a test and the objective is not to learn a list of facts, but (for me) to immerse myself more fully into a Jewish life.

And it is hard y'all. There is a part of me that craves homework and for the rabbis to follow the damn syllabus. The woman this week had us divide up in groups to talk about the stress of our week and even though I knew what the purpose was (we were studying Shabbat practices, which is celebrated in a different way than the Christian Sabbath) I just wanted to move on. It is hard for me to live in the moment but I bite my tongue and try to go with the flow.

Weirdly enough, for me, part of that is not really participating in the class. I am listening and answering any questions that I have to, but I am trying not to answer or raise my hand. I think it is important for me to not concentrate on getting the right answer but on getting the right answer for me. Just so you know though, I TOTALLY know the right answers.

One of my ugliest traits, which I fight and try to rise above, is that I am a fucking snob about people who might not be as smart (see! the SNOBBINESS) or learn as quickly as I am and do. I try to not be this way, because really it does not matter, we are not taking a time test (though man, I miss those timed times table tests and I just ruled at those), and people have the right to learn in their own way. But GODDAMN people are slow and stupid sometimes. There are these two women in our class, who are both ESL so they get miles and miles of slack on this to me because I cannot imagine taking a course in a second language (though both have been in this country and have spoken English for years), who are very literal about things. I don't know if it is a language thing or if they are both just literal people but they cannot follow along. They don't really want to think about concepts in a personalized way. And they want the instructor to explain every single joke or innuendo to them. They cannot let anything go. It is just so maddening and then I feel like a big bitch and no one likes that.

It is a growth experience but obviously I have a lot to do.

Of course it is Shabbat and some Jews don't even turn on their lights and I am blogging. But maybe this is how I bring peace to the day and honor it? Well, I mean at least I am not talking about my tits or shit. For once.