Missing It

A year ago I was losing my mind. I was in shock and feeling lost and out of control. I feel the same way today. Less raw, a little more together, but a lot of days I forget she is gone and try to shoot her an email.

Linda made me cry with this. The luncheon was my idea. I just wanted to mark the occasion because I felt like people were forgetting her. And because I needed to have something, not closure (because I don't feel like I will have that ever really) but something to tie up some loose ends emotionally. And I felt terribly guilty because when Linda and I talked about it I could tell she felt like she didn't want to do it. And I felt selfish.

So I am glad that she enjoyed it. Today wasn't how I expected it to be. I was sad, as I knew I would be, but I felt more raw today. I think because I feel like I should be farther along in the grief process, everyone else (except Linda) seems to be. But I suppose I am learning that everyone grieves differently and maybe I am just not going to get to that place for a long time.

I don't really miss her physical presence anymore--well that isn't exactly true I miss her laugh, her smile and her fucking sarcastic emails--now I miss more of what she is missing. What we are missing together. Linda brought Baby E today and I had this vision of how things might have been. Had the lunch been for something else and Ang brought her daughter along. I am not angry she is dead anymore, I have progressed that much, it just seems wrong though. She is missing it. Maybe that is why today was hard, it is hard to know what we are all missing.