Suck My GBD

Y'all, the circumstances of this** are so very sad. And if the facts are how they appear to be then words cannot express my sympathy to this family. But the contract. Oh the CONTRACT. Is possibly the most fucked up thing I have ever read in my life. Go read it. I'll wait.

And what makes me laugh (in a fucked up, morbid way) is that I can totally imagine the guy that would write such a thing. That is every goddamn douche you ever dated. What every Chipper in high school thought his marriage would be like. The difference is that most grew out of that shit or are at least smart enough not to put it in writing.

I mean I can imagine that once you put highly specific pubic hair shaving instructions in front of your wife it is kind of hard to take it back.

Also hard to take back: the requirement that she pose for nude photos with sex toys each month. And that she only wear thong underwear--though she is allowed to own five pairs of regular underwear for use during her menstrual cycle. Quite a thoughtful guy you caught there.

If you are a fucked up couple like J and myself you will spend tonight the way we spent last night. "Baby, your underwear selection is up to par but you complained when I tried to do you in the ass while you were sleeping. I am deducting 27,000 GBDs."

"Well, I deserve about 50,000 GBDs per minute I stay married to you so I think we are doing ok."

"FUCK. I don't think you are allowed to disagree with me, pull up that contract again."

I mean really. I know that people have S&M contracts (which is what this looks like) and relationships all the time and if that works for them then FABULOUS but I don't think that would work for a married couple with small children. Especially since one partner isn't really so gung ho on it.

Meanwhile in my house J is threatening to measure my pubic hair on Saturdays and I am suggesting he track this shit on a chart with gold star stickers.

We are just that fucked up.

**Of course his lawyer is basically claiming that none of this can be tied to him, which is about all they can do. It occurs to me that the only way I am going to buy that she downloaded all that crap to frame him (because he would have to do something pretty bad to inspire that much hate in his wife who supposedly loves him and he is the father of her children etc) is to admit that he tried to force this contract on her. Of course that opens him up to the kidnapping charge which is plenty bad but . . .