Last night I had the most depressing New Year's ever. I spent it with my parents, as I sent J on his way with his buddies for our previously planned concert/boozing/extravaganza. I don't regret doing that because I think he desperately needed to be out and forgetting for a while.
I didn't want to be there, I wanted to be home. I wasn't sick but I was being treated that way. I was lonely in a way that I think most people would not understand. I'm not pregnant anymore, I'm not waiting for the time bomb anymore. That means I have to fucking deal with this huh?
I am really tired of a few things. I am tired of annoying and judgmental people (even those who are friends) who don't know a damn thing about marriage trying to decide if we behave in a way that they think is appropriate for a married couple. Just so EVERYONE KNOWS, my husband can go out without me, he can have drinks and flirt with chicks, he can even have DINNER with chicks for all I care. If he isn't making out, he is fucking anyone than great. Dude has had a traumatic couple of weeks maybe y'all could get off his back for a bit?
The truth is that I had it easy. The scary part for me was hemorrhaging at home, trying to decide how much was too much, being alone and afraid. But once I decided, once I went to the hospital, I knew I would be fine. But for J, it got a lot scarier at the hospital. I bled so much, I was so sick, I was in labor with a dead baby and well he was a little concerned about what that was going to do to me (understandably).
And on the way home, while I was still doped up, we both realized (with a shudder of fear) that if John Ashcroft had gotten his way we would have been on our way to the police station to REPORT OUR MISCARRIAGE. Anyone who still votes Republican think about what making two people who had just been through that report it all to the police means and what that would do. And then fuck yourselves, because maybe nothing will ever get through to you.
So J had a great New Year's, which he needed, and I made it through, which is the best I could hope for. And now it is 2007.