Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Not Worth Anything

Sometimes I have these spasms of guilt. I think about things that I have done or said--usually years ago--that I wish I could take back. I either didn't mean it or was just an asshole, but it has been so long that I know that the other person probably doesn't even remember it. I am not talking about "I am sorry I ran over your dog" (which NO) but more of "I'm sorry I said that the mascara made you look like a hooker and hurt your feelings, I mean we were twelve but STILL." I guarantee you that girl doesn't remember me saying that fifteen years ago but I remember it. And I feel badly.

I don't know where this comes from. In some ways I think it is a good thing, it is good to worry about others. It is good to feel an obligation to be a good person. But in other ways it is like an oppressive weight. I worry too much about what other people think, how they will feel. And my remorse for the little things later isn't even about this other person any more. It is just arrogant and self-absorbed. It isn't that I want them to forgive me, I just want to feel like a good person.

Which doesn't actually make any of that worth a shit.

2 comments:

Tara's World said...

I never want to hear you say that your not a "real" Jew. You h=got the jewish guilt down pat! I still rememeber a time when I was a child yanking a doll out of my mothers hands.. jeeze

Seroiusly though- It just shows your are human and have compassion..

Oh and Tantrum? The Meme? I cnat face having a Hysto and doing a meme where I have to think back 20 years at the same time. Ill get to it , just probaly not anytime soon

Tara's World said...

P.S. please forgive the typos....