This morning I was driving into work (because of an elaborate and now feeling fool-hardy plan to go to work and go to the doctor) I did the Grossest Thing I Have Ever Done.
I do not hand out that title lightly folks. I have done many gross things, things like fishing my cell phone out a vomit-filled toilet. Things that you just do not talk about in mixed company.
But today I was driving and I suddenly could NOT BREATHE. Breathing is important y'all, I think we can all agree. I was having many thoughts about not breathing. Thoughts like DUDE I NEED AIR but also about how I was going to crash my car, killing myself and others and causing the mother of all traffic jams. I figured out that I was choking on a loogie and so I picked up a cup and hocked everything in my soul into it.
A loogie the exact size, shape, color and consistency of a EXTRA LARGE EGG YOLK came flying out of my throat. Streaked with blood.
And I am gross enough to admit that cup is still in my car because I am not well enough to deal with the fucking cup.
That was just the start of my day y'all. The crux of the matter is that I am not dying (excellent), I will continue to feel like shit for an indeterminate number of days (not excellent), I do not have mono or strep (really excellent). I have the shakes very bad and am coughing and hacking and in my own fool-hardy way considering going to work tomorrow (see I am filling in for some one on leave and doing her job and my job plus I was out for a conference for three days last week and missing even a couple of hours feels like DEATH to me right now).
If you need me I will be under the influence of strong pain killers and cuddling my prescription inhaler. My dogs will be poking me to check if I am still alive.
Perhaps they will update here.