Chatty Daddy

My father and I have had a strange relationship. One that has had periods of hero worship, times of anger and loathing, silence through most of the 1990's and now is chatty and loving and dare I jinx it? Like friends.

I am not sure how we are friends or even why. Other then a stubbornness that we share (among other unattractive traits) and how a few years ago we just silently DECIDED we were going to be friends.

And now we talk every day. Something that pisses my mother off because apparently once you are married for more than thirty years you don't talk anymore you just communicate silently with inflections of the head so they gossip through me. Which is awkward and inefficient but well . . .you just summed up my family.

My dad and I talk about anything and everything. He always calls with a story to tell me and it is usually during his commute or while he is at the drugstore or the like. I think that sort of multi-tasking appeals to his work ethic. And commuting is boring.

Some days we talk a couple of times, plus email. I don't know how this happens but I do know that when it does we get an impressive list of topics such as today's list:

1. Things that his dachshund Leon has eaten this week that he is not supposed to. Most of which were once touching one of my parents' ass (like underwear and pajama pants but also masking tape which if that touched anyone's ass I don't want to know even if they are wild and crazy empty nesters).

2. How even though they didn't get plumbing until very late (I believe the year 1960 was mentioned but . . .) his family still had a shower years before many of his aunts and uncles and how one in particular would bring all his kids over on Saturday nights to bathe.

3. How no one would ever buy my grandparents' house because there is no shower in the bathroom (it is in the basement pretty much just in the middle of the room). And how we know that when they die some one will just tear it down but we cannot talk about it or my dad will cry and goddamn we only cry about the dog.

4. That no matter what he wants to say Jamie Moyer is not the same as Greg Maddux. God my dad is a crackhead (we did not actually discuss a crack habit but CLEARLY).

5. How this is the best part of baseball season, because you haven't cried yet.

6. He lied to me about his bracket, but unintentionally. His is just as jacked as everyone else's except he picked Florida (but dude my sister went there so WHATEVER DAD).

7. That working for a non-profit really helps when you need the bank to stop bitching about how there is no money in your business' account. "But we are a school for special needs children" works much better than, "My bosses are rich white guys who are tight fisted in a sick and fucked up way."

8. That pergo really is just shit, looks like shit and wears like shit.

9. Excel is the root of and the cure for all evil.

10. He doesn't think I should keep kosher for Passover because I have been sick.

11. Except for chicken and matzo ball soup.

12. Not that he is telling me how to practice my religion that he doesn't know anything about. Even though he is. He means well. He is a dad.

13. Yes, we are still calling it Spring Dinner instead of EASTER.

14. No, I still want my damn bunny.

15. Meh, logic schmogic. I get a bunny!

16. Goddamn we talk a lot.

I guess my mom has reason to gripe. I think my father only gets about 700 words a day so if he calls me twice and talks to anyone in his office at all I think he can't even answer her when she asks how his day was.