Monday, April 09, 2007

Letters to Everyone

Dear People in the Elevator At Work,
I know! It's crazy that you have to like wait for everyone on the elevator to like get out of the elevator. That like requires patience and shit. It's just a bummer how we are all bound by the laws of physics and no matter how much you shove you just won't fucking fit in here until we all get out. WHO KNEW?
Love,
Girl Who Will Totally Fucking Shove You Back Bitches

Dear Self,
Stop coveting white handbags. You cannot even keep your pale blue trench coat clean--have you seen the cuffs lately? You would get ink on it, dump a diet coke inside of it and have a red lipstick smear all over the place on the very first day. You are a disaster. Get over it.
Love,
Self, I am totally not kidding stop with the wanting WHITE no matter how fresh and springy you think they are.

Dear Weather,
Fuck you. I was wearing spring shit today and it is COLD AS HAM here.
Love,
The United States (I shouldn't bitch, at least it isn't snowing here. YET)

Dear Fast Food Chinese Lunch Place,
I didn't actually want you. But I figured your spicy beef would be a solution to my belly um NEEDS. I had my hungry beer goggles on and you were good enough. And then you went and had a broken credit card machine. You are the cock tease of the food court.
Damn you and your hot pepper flakes,
The blond girl who had to stop herself from having a tantrum at your counter, I know PMS much?

Dear Bob Howry and Cliff Floyd,
Get the stick out boys. This is supposed to be the season y'all don't break my heart. I know it's early but a disturbing trend. And Lou? Start playing Murton. None of this pinch hitter nonsense. Put that adorable little redhead in the game.
Thanks,
I Can't Screech When I Am Watching The Score Tracker At Work But I Can NOW

1 comment:

Sandra said...

Wow. Those purse things are expensive!