Like Actual Whore's Wear Tights

My mother and I have many long standing arguments about fashion.

She likes ugly shit covered in glitter and I rip it screaming from her hands. She wears colors that she knows are unflattering just because they are "bright," I really think you should stick to shit that looks good with your skintone.

I have talked her out of tapered pants, pleats, bulky sweaters and her scarily blond hair color. But I have never been able to make her budge on pantyhose.

I don't wear pantyhose. My mother thinks this is a generational thing, which maybe but the older women at my office don't wear pantyhose either. I think that they make you hot and sweaty in the warm weather and do not keep you warm at all in the winter. You still have to shave because squished down leg hair is even uglier than just leg hair. You are fooling no one with the skin color changes either--that shit ain't found in nature. Overall pantyhose serve no purpose and are uncomfortable and ridiculous.

And my mother fucking loves them. She wears them all of the time. WITH PANTS EVEN. With open-toed shoes. There is no stopping the pantyhose train for her. And she is just bewildered that I don't love them as much as she does.

She was further horrified that the only pair of hosiery I currently own are fishnet tights. Which are completely work appropriate in my fashion-oriented environment. Even the grey-haired executives in my office don't blink an eye, even complimenting me on how "sassy" I look. Older men and women on the bus look at me like I am a whore.

But I have news for you pantyhose lovers out there. Fishnets are the most flattering hosiery out there. The pattern makes your legs look firmer and leaner (and distract from any jiggliness of which I have none of course). They are infinitely more comfortable. They take a normal outfit--black skirt, black sweater--and make it fashion forward.

Plus they don't make you look my mother.

And I swear, you won't look like a whore.