Wednesday, October 18, 2006


I must confess that I had mentally composed, but not actually written, a slightly smug but attempting to be uplifting post about how things are pretty damn good lately.

After a few years of just piles of shit falling on our heads good things had really started to happen in the AB household. My health is the best that it has been in a long time, we are getting ready to begin infertility treatments, my career is good, J's career is good, we have a gorgeous house, good friends, my parents are in good health. Everything is fucking fabulous.

I think I felt like we deserved the good stuff, after the bad. Even though our bad is nothing like the bad that people who have it really bad go through. It isn't losing your family in a tsunami bad, or being so poor you can't feed your children bad or even becoming a widow at an early age bad. And I don't believe that people earn happiness either. I don't think God, or whatever great force you might believe in, chooses sides that way. Rewarding one person seems like punishing those who are suffering. I don't really think that the world works that way.

But still, I felt so good and so confident that we had turned this corner.

I think everyone knows where this is headed. Nothing horrible has happened yet. I suppose that should be our family motto. Perhaps I will take up needlepoint and embroider that shit on a sampler. But things have slid downward a hair.

And I am devestated. Not because things are so bad but because I am losing the ability to ever feel good about my life. It feels impossible to feel hope or pleasure or comfort. I am heartbroken.

Maybe that is how it is supposed to be.

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