Friday, November 30, 2007

Losing My Shit

On Wednesday night I was admitted to the maternity triage unit for observation. I had a headache that laughed in the face of Tylenol and some swelling. These are symptoms of pre-eclampsia. Everything turned out to be fine and J got to hear Little Miss Imitating Dancing With The Stars thrashing about and we came home.

My headache got worse.

And worse. In the top five of worst migraines I have ever had category. Which I was taking on basically unmedicated. I stayed home from work yesterday and tried everything that have ever worked on even taking the EDGE off of a migraine for me. Heating pads, ice bags, icing my hands (this does work sometimes), stretching, attempting to nap, dark room, light room, massage, pressure points . . .I tried it all. And nothing helped, it just got progressively worse. And I . . .well I lost my shit.

I have found in the past couple of weeks that I have lost some of the control I had of my emotions. I cry more easily (FABULOUS), my moods change quickly and I am anxious. DEAR GOD I am anxious. The books say this is normal, all having to do with hormones and well damn that makes sense plus I have some serious stress in my life about work and you know, some life changing shit happening. I have tried to have patience with me.

This was scary though. Because I really did start to believe that this headache was never going to stop. That I would have it forever. Those who have migraines, especially the kind that go on for weeks know that despair. But this was worse. Because I REALLY believed it. And I started crying and couldn't stop. I kept throwing up. I just couldn't get a grip on myself.

Fortunately, the doctor called in some pain medication for me and J went and got it for me. And basically forced it down my throat. And then lectured me for not calling him and telling him to come home (does anyone else see my point that it seemed weird to make my husband come home because I had a headache though). The pain tapered off enough that I cheered up a lot.

I still scares me though how anxious I was, how I could not get a hold of myself. I really felt crazy. With my history of depression I have been cataloging all kinds of resources for myself post-birth. Our hospital provides a lot of support for PPD and I have already brought up my concerns with my doctor.

But does anyone have experience with this pregnancy anxiety? Is there anything that can help you cope? I have long enough to go that I need to figure out a way to get a grip. And I am at a loss as to how to do that.

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