Ten Things I KNOW

I must admit that occasionally I get very smug and think that after five years I have this marriage thing licked. I mentally kick Dr. Phil to the curb and just invite hubris to come smack my ass because that is exactly when something comes to get us.

Not to worry, everything is lovely in the AB household. But we had one of those talks where you say the things you have been holding back for ages, that you didn't even really think, they just are and somebody cries (ok me) and somebody looks all helpless (ok him) and you think GODDAMN after five years you would think we would just say this shit earlier.

But no.

But since I am a goddamn know everything these are things I KNOW about marriage:

1. The first year blows. Not really. It is fun and you are so cute and happy. But you have this sinking suspicion that you are not as happy as you are supposed to be. I mean newlyweds are supposed to be fucking every ten minutes and so in LOVE and not having shrieking fights about towels on the bathroom floor. Except everyone does. No one has as much sex as all that. But you do in the second year so HANG ON. Year two rocks the house.

2. Your husband will shrink your favorite jeans. I mean this as a metaphor (even though this has totally fucking happened, also ruined my favorite sweater). I mean that your husband will do something incredibly stupid in a cliched (but oh so accurate) housekeeping debacle. You will feel like you are on a terrible sitcom. Not to worry. Every wife does something horrible and cliched too.

3. Everyone really will ask you when you are going to have a baby. No answer other than, "I'M PREGNANT!" will ever shut them up.

4. There is no apology that can not be made more sincere with oral sex.

5. Yeah I said it.

6. He will always want a bigger TV. Or whatever thing he swore he would never want after he got the TV he has now.

7. Someday he will understand about high thread count sheets. Or he will fake it. Whatever makes you happy or feel comfortable and special he will learn to appreciate. And you will at least PRETEND to understand why the whosit whatsit wireless thing is very important and a MUST HAVE (God. My shame over the gender roles in this is KILLING ME).

8. Wear cute underwear. Yeah, I know. It doesn't feel worth it. But it is. Because one day somebody he knows will admit that his wife wears granny panties and your husband will totally get to feel smug. The reverse? I totally get to feel smug because J does the dishes. PRIORITIES.

9. So far the fifth year has been the best. Even with all the shit went down. Because of our pretending to know what we are doing.

10. One day some one you know will get a divorce and you will stare at each other all freaked out. Then it will happen again and you know it could totally happen to you.