I Do Not Want To Drown

When I was younger I hated how my mother deferred to my father. She would not make a decision without him, she worried constantly about his opinion--even about silly things like her clothes. She cooked for him and fussed over him and let him have his way.

It would just enrage me. It just smacked of sexism and I just felt like she should stand up to herself.

As I have gotten older I see now that my mother lacked self-confidence but also had a tremendous respect for my father's opinion. They have been married for well over thirty years and part of that comes from coming to decisions together. And even though some of those decisions felt ridiculously trivial to me, I see now that whatever it takes to stay together is what it takes.

Still I hated it. And I never wanted to be that woman. I didn't want to defer to anyone and I wouldn't want any child I ever have to see me as unequal in any way. So imagine my pleasure at realizing that I do the same things that my mother has always done.

Not everything. I don't listen to him at all about clothes, other than "does my ass look hotter in this or that?" I don't worry about if I am buying the brand of corn that he prefers. And of course we talk about everything to do with our future, our money, the life that we are building.

BUT. I do this thing that I hate. I obsess about money. Part of this comes from the rather tenuous relationship we have had with money over our marriage. A couple of career changes, getting married young and a couple of layoffs will do that for a couple. I am by nature cautious anyway (I have vivid memories of my piggy banks as a child--I was such a damn miser) so I have a hard time giving myself permission to spend money.

Right now, Linda, is laughing. Because over the past few months I have bought new furniture, new clothes, stuff for my house--not exactly the behavior of some one who is worried about money. This is all true, but no one understands how much spending every dime of that fucked with my head.

I can't help it. I worry about whether it is ok to buy lunch, whether I can buy a new jacket (since I am fucking freezing), is it ok to go to the movies? I bother J all the time with this crap and I can tell it upsets him. He is used to it by now and just sort of impatiently snipes, "WHATEVER YOU WANT BABY."

I know I have talked about being afraid of turning into my mother and wow my mom has lovely qualities that I would like and this is SO NOT ONE of them. I would like her generous nature, her way with people, her capacity for love. I do not want to be the wacko lady who really wants to buy the fancy shampoo but is having a moment.

Also. I think J might hold my head under water if I don't quit it.