Last week (the night of the fucking snow storm) I had this vivid dream that J sat me down and told me he was deeply unhappy. In fact, he was so deeply unhappy that he could not longer live this way and was just leaving me and our life together. When we woke up the next morning I was so relieved that he was still here. But it didn't really register that it was a dream. I apologized to him for not understanding his unhappiness, for not seeing his sadness. I cried and told him how scared I was.
Dude had NO IDEA what I was talking about.
I don't dream much honestly, or at least I don't remember them if I do. And I recognize how dull it is to hear about some one else's dreams. But that was the most disorienting thing I think has ever happened to me. It was like having the wind knocked out of me. J and I, for the most part, just cruise along in married life. It feels like we have always been married and it is easy to leap ahead and assume we will be always married. It is almost impossible to imagine otherwise. But my subconscious did imagine it. And then had a meltdown while J was trying to figure out why the fuck I was so upset about a tree that didn't hit anything.
Anyone wondering why a great girl like me is with a schmuck like him should have the thought that it might be because I am difficult dawning on them right about now.