Looks Like I Won't Be Going To Work Tomorrow

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

Yeah. That is my city.

My bus jack-knifed on the way home. But luckily everyone is fine.

I hate winter.

Everything I Know About Being Beautiful I Learned On The Internet

I am puzzled how we did certain things before the internet. If you didn't know where something was you couldn't just hit mapquest. If you couldn't figure out who the hell that one guy in that one movie was you couldn't go to IMDB. And if you wanted to try a new beauty product you were stuck either trying things out blind, or with suggestions from your immediate circle of friends.

Well the dark ages are over and I am trying all sort of things recommended on the internets.

If you are like me and ever stayed home from school or work during the nineties and flipped past QVC you saw their show about Bare Escentuals. The commercial made all sorts of wondrous promises of great makeup and better skin and perhaps handsome nude men come to your house each morning to airbrush this shit on or something. Of course I wanted to try but ordering makeup (especially expensive makeup) from QVC was sort of a hell no for me.

And I forgot all about the stuff until people starting writing about it. Sundry reviewed it and had amazing results. But BE seems to cause an internet war everytime some one reviews it. But my skin was all crazy from the hormones and my current makeup wasn't really working for me. So I got the starter kit, there are similar kits available at Sephora, Amazon and Ulta (seems like each kit offers a slightly different selection of products). I had a variety of gift card, discount, certificate thingys so I chose the Nordstrom kit. And I fucking LOVE it.

Sadly, no handsome men come over to apply it for me but other than that it is just about perfect. The foundation gives excellent coverage with no caking, the "mineral veil" is a lovely fine powder that sinks beautifully into the skin, the "warmth" (which BE's site swears is not a bronzer but I am totally using as a bronzer and also as an eyeshadow) works beautifully when layered with a peachy blush and the brushes are lovely. The "skin rever upper" is a nice light moisturizer, too light for me during winter but I am guessing that it will work nice in the summer. "Clear Radiance" is supposed to be a highlighter which seems useless to me. Maybe because I am pretty anti-shimmer.

Overall this stuff is amazing, my skin looks great, I don't look overly made up, it doesn't make me feel greasy or dry, it doesn't cake and it stays on all day. My guess from the battles on the internet about this stuff center from a couple of core issues. One, there is an ingredient bismuth oxide which some people have an allergy to. The reaction seems to be itching and dryness and redness. If you have that reaction you are just not going to like these products. Two, if you are into certain makeup applications you might not like it. It's really light, it is just a brush on product so if you are set with your sponges or liquids it just might not be for you.

If you don't love what you are using I do recommend the Bare Escentuals, but purchase it somewhere with a great return policy so if you hate it you can return it.
***
Because I am all about product reviews tonight, Burt's Bees lipbalm seems to be an internet favorite. So when I lost my Kiehl's and could only run to the drugstore I thought I would give it a try. And I thought it sucked. I could see why if you are comparing it to chapstick or Carmex how it might be an improvement. But the moisturizing effect doesn't seem to last. And the peppermint is irritating on the lips (plus I don't really want minty lips). I am trying to come up with a way to pawn it off to J so I can replace it with the Kiehl's. So the internet is not always right!
***
Lastly, the girls at Makeup Alley (which those girls are lovely but freak me OUT) recommend a aspirin mask. As a PSA, if you are allergic to aspirin this is not for you. But disolve four or five uncoated plain aspirin (pure aspirin not Excedrin) in a few drops of warm water and mix with a couple of drops of facial cleanser (they also recommended honey instead of cleanser but I haven't tried it) to make a paste. Apply as a mask and leave on for 25 minutes and rinse (and moisturize!). There is an acid in the aspirin that exfoiliates the face and gives you a lovely smooth finish. Gorgeous and for pennies!

Ah, thank God Al Gore invented the internet.

Lucky Every Day

Yesterday was our sixth wedding anniversary. We didn't celebrate it in the most romantic of ways--we went shopping for a sofa, watched a George Lucas special on the history channel and then watched Return of the Jedi on my new TV. We didn't even eat dinner but gerryrigged a meal that involved many kinds of snack foods. It is the kind of day that no bride dreams of but was the perfect day for us. It's the kind of day you spend with some one when you just enjoy their company and don't much care what you do. You just want to be with them.

The past year has been the hardest of our marriage. It had some really great moments--some AMAZING times, but it was incredibly hard on both of us. In some ways I feel like it made us closer, bound us even tighter together. I feel no need to be bound any tighter so no dead babies in 2007.

I think about the people we were that day in 2001 and in the months leading up to it. I do not know what possessed us to get married then. I know that it was illogical and unreasonable and so very fucking stupid. And I am so glad I did it. I feel lucky every day.

Getting Back

That WHOO you heard at 4:15 Pacific Standard Time? The one that sounded like it was 1989 and I was at a New Kid's concert and Jordan Knight just ripped off his shirt? That was me. In a bathroom stall at work. I got my period today.

Since most people don't cheer like that in the bathroom it was a damn good thing the gal next to me laughed and didn't call the police. It has been since October since I had a period, and while I was pregnant for a big portion of that, it was time.

I've noticed the last few weeks (when I wasn't dying of the plague) that I have been coming back a bit. I enjoy my job more (when people are not assholes which . . .). I got my eyebrows waxed (which also since October and DAYAM), I scheduled a haircut (the pyramid of doom is in full effect and I think small children are afraid of my hair). I even bought new clothes today because there is just no reason to look like shit.

I am not the same person I was before. I am not going to be a mom this summer. But I am putting one foot in front of the other, I am going out and enjoying myself, I am going to stop looking like a yeti. The alternative is to become some one I really do not want to be. That I wouldn't want J to be married to. That I wouldn't want my friends and family to know.

Of course the person they do know just had a teen idol moment over her period but they are used to that.

Our Anniversary Isn't For A Week But He Might Have Gotten A Little Early Tail

I have to give J credit. He is one sneaky motherfucker.

I hadn't seen my mother in almost two months. I usually see her weekly, but I had a miscarriage and didn't want to see anyone, then she got sick, then I went to New York and she got sick again, then I got sick and now she is sick again but it had been two months so she wanted to come up and go shopping for a new outfit for Easter.

We went shopping and the poor dear was dragging. She is obviously still sick, and I am worried. But we did find her some cute things and it was a nice day. And she perked up enough that she wanted to go our favorite burger place for lunch. I figured they would just leave after but my dad said he left some tools at my house and wanted to come back to get them.

The boys had not been cleaning up branches at my house like they said they were. I mean they did that, but the main purpose was a surprise for me. And I had NO IDEA.

J has never kept a secret from me before. He plans big surprises and then blurts them out or I find out accidentally. He just gets excited, he wants to tell me about these incredible things he plans for me. But this time he had me fooled.

My mother was sick as hell but had an important role to play. She had to get me out of the house for a couple of hours while Comcast came out and hooked up HD in my bedroom for my new flat screen television HANGING ABOVE MY DRESSER.

I imagine some women would be less than thrilled with a television--it doesn't seem so romantic. But J knows that I have missed having a tv in our room since we moved here. Especially when I was sick, I just didn't want to get out of bed. But J really didn't want one, he thinks it takes up too much space and is a focus. But he knew I wanted one, and bought me this gorgeous thing that allowed me to see every fucking pore on Harrison Ford's face when I watched The Empire Strikes Back this morning (trivia that is meaningless to everyone, this is J's favorite Star Wars movie and I have come to like it because truly it is when Harrison is at his most dreamy).

There are about eight-seven reasons this present is amazing. From him getting e something I didn't even realize I wanted. From keeping it a secret while torturing me with hints. To the logistics of it all--get my parents to conspire, scheduling Comcast, ordering the tv (which he even got a BARGAIN on). That is some serious thoughtful shit.

As a side note, I nearly passed out watching Iron Chef America Battle Chocolate today. Goddamn.

He is a dreamboat that husband of mine.

Train Damaged

I fell off the train today.

I should end this post right there. That has real drama and potential. I could have been shoved off the train by a hit man. I could have been fleeing a maniac terrorizing me with those flavored Oreos (like the minty ones) I feel very strongly that Oreos come in regular and double stuffed and that is that.

Sadly (well I suppose there was no Orea terrorist and that is a good thing) it was nothing so interesting. My heel got caught on the step and I crashed onto the steps flat on my damn face. My legs had just healed from being all mangled the night I got smashed on limoncello martinis and fell on my bathtub. My knees are all jacked up now and I am all swollen and limpy. DAMN ME TO HELL. At least my pants didn't rip. I think I would have walked (ok hobbled) up the stairs and got on a bus home.

Instead I self-medicated with a cheesy egg and bacon croissant.

Since I am sure y'all find my tales of commuting fascinating in every way, on the way home these kids get on (which is unusual, it's all boring commuters normally) and they are punked out in a very Hot Topic kind of way. I sort of chuckled because these kids are so suburban it just steams off of them but I also admired that they were freaking out all of the commuters. There were so many looks amongst the passengers about the hooligans on the train. But then they just kept running around and being loud and I don't know acting like teenagers and I found myself all "You damn kids, stay off my LAWN and keep it down!"

I'm an old lady.

But then one of them tried to look down my shirt which in a weird way cheered me up. I shouldn't analyze this too much.

But three day weekend! Free hockey tickets, shopping with my mom and a day to sleep on Monday. Most excellent indeed.

Most Boring Couple EVER

I really want to leave y'all with the impression I didn't post last night because J and I were having wild married Valentine's Day sex (because if you are reading here you already know we were not being crazy romantic) but sadly no (oh well, I mean at least not the wild part heh). I was working. I have been working late for weeks now, and that being coupled with being sick has made me the dullest person imaginable.

As you might as imagine, J and I are not really Valentine's Day people. It is just ten days before our anniversary, which is a more personal day to celebrate. We give each other cards, which is plenty (as an aside, does anyone else feel like they are signing a yearbook when they write a card, I never want to just sign it so I have to write a little something and next thing you know I am practically dragging out the "have a great summer! stay sweet!" like it is seventh grade). In fact the one thing that J could do to disappoint me is bring home a dozen roses.

I know some women just love roses and practically demand them, but to me it screams impersonal and a total cop-out. If that is your favorite flower that is one thing but to me if you want to send flowers you find out the what the person really loves and get that. If that is carnations then that is romantic, roses as a default selection is just sort of lame. I am sure the tradition began when roses were rare and special but I swear, a token of love that can be purchased at QFC for 9.99 is nothing I care to receive (wow that sounds snobby). BUT EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. Let me say that J getting me flowers would be a "shut up" gesture, not a sign of undying devotion. I am sure there are men that are just driven to buy these flowers and that is great.

J made dinner last night, I doubt really as a gesture but more because I was late as fuck and the poor dear just wanted to eat.

Who said married life isn't WILD?

He has been taunting me with hints about my anniversary gift--which is his first successful (so far!) surprise for me ever. I found a great gift for him too but he is not searching for hints. DAMN HIM and his patience!

Pop Quiz

1. If you were in a meeting at work with some one who is not exactly your boss but could definitely mow your ass down should she choose to decides to share that she is internet dating as her New Year's Resolution and put that she is overweight in her profile because she "is tired of all the fucking bullshit about being fat," do you:
a. Insist that she isn't overweight at all and murmur something about how men are so shallow.
b. Holla "YOU GO GIRL!" at the top of your lungs.
c. Make wide eyes of FEAR at her assistant and consider crawling under the table.

2. You see a woman riding on a bicycle on a busy road with a toddler riding on the handle bars, neither of them are wearing a helmet. You:
a. Sing to yourself, "We're all different . . . " and try not to judge.
b. Grab your cellphone and call 911--this is a helmetless baby emergency!
c. Judge that woman so harshly that you bust a vein in your eyeball and now you look deranged.

3. Your boss brings by your yearly bonus figure, you:
a. Calmly thank her, you appreciate their acknowledgement of your hard work.
b. Start mentally spending the money, you hadn't given a thought to the figure.
c. Note the figure is the high one on your estimate which you have obsessed over for a couple of weeks, actually squeal "WHEEEEE" aloud and send your husband an email with eighty-seven exclamation points.

4. Your nose is running and you are trapped on the bus, you:
a. Blow it quietly and gently into the kleenex you always keep in your purse for just this occasion.
b. Hock it into a plastic baggie.
c. Tilt your head back until you cannot sniff the snot back into your face, and once it starts dripping just say fuck it and wipe it on your sleeve.

5. You didn't get anything out for dinner this morning and must scrounge together something for a meal, you:
a. Eat leftover stirfry with vegetables and rice.
b. Make a nice salad with cheese and tater tots--you like variety.
c. You make a meal of marshmallows, diet coke and cheese puffs.

If you answered mostly a's you are the kind of mature, professional person I should strive to become, if you answered mostly b's then you are the kind of free spirited person who doesn't over-think things too much I want to be and if you answered mostly c's you are totally fucking me and are headed to bed before 7 AGAIN.

When I Cough I Sound Like One Of Marge's Sisters From The Simpsons

Somewhere in NY or here at home I caught the Black Plague. This whole week has been spent hanging onto my shit just long enough to get home and have a meltdown for J. Three nights this week I went to bed at a time starting with 7, maybe once at :45 and maybe once at :30 and MAYBE JUST MAYBE at :15 one day. MAYBE. Wednesday I somehow found myself face down on the bathroom floor begging J to just let me sleep there as he tried to drag me off to bed. Just in case you were imagining that I was somehow spiraling into hysterics here.

This morning a new and DELIGHTFUL symptom emerged--explosive diarhea. I had to go to work, my business trip a couple of weeks ago led into a whole lot of stuff that needs to get done by next week, so I invented a new "please do not let me shit my pants" prayer (I'm not sure that God cares about pants shitting but just in case) with a whole lot of not really Hebrew but I am sure HE UNDERSTANDS. I don't know about your office but mine would never stop talking about that girl who shit her pants. I would be a legend.

Fortunately, I am not a legend.

I made it through the day, just barely. Got shit DONE. Which thank god because I am not doing anything this weekend except lying on the coach and moaning. I live a rock star life I know.

I am enjoying all the personal space I am getting on public transportation--if you sound like you are inches from death then no one wants to sit next to you. Cannot imagine why. I feel a little guilty, being out and about, because I get so pissed when sick people go to work. But sometimes things can't be helped--the things I need to do I can't do from home. So I used like a boxed of Kleenex and a giant tub of Clorox wipes. Every hard surface I looked at got wiped down multiple times today.

Hopefully I won't pass this shit on.

Bitchy. Sorry

I stayed up a little later than I should have last night and was one pissed off missy this morning. I just woke up angry and it just downward spiraled from there. My hair was greasy (gee, maybe I should wash it more often), work shit just got messy, my train was delayed several times and I still haven't had dinner.

WOW. That was a long bitch.

So, all I have today is just of all the personal things that you could do on a bus (short of pulling out your tampon and handing it to the old lady next to you) CLIPPING YOUR TOENAILS IS UNACCEPTABLE.

Goddamn.

He Was Made Up Like A Seventh Grade Hussy

The Super Bowl was really fucking fun. Lots of opportunities to heckle Rex Grossman (a serious conversation about calling my sister and singing "Rocky Top" to celebrate the fall of the Gator and rise of Peyton Manning). We were having a blast with the Colts win.

And Tony Dungy, who I really like, ruined it a bit for me. He said something after the game about people should admire him and Lovie Smith because they were "Christian coaches."

I understand what he meant, sort of, but I think after all the religious scandals and hypocrisy and ugliness of the last few years that we can all agree that Christian does not equal good. It doesn't equal bad, that isn't what I am saying, but there is something sanctimonious and rude about saying that you deserve to win the Superbowl because you are Christian (so other coaches are not good people? Muslims and Buddhists shouldn't win?).

GOD DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THE SUPERBOWL.

I'm sure you are a lovely man Tony Dungy. BUT SHUT UP.

And also, please Steve Young, a little less eyeliner next year.

Of Course I Am Still Elevating My Feet Because DAYAM

Yesterday we drove to Portland to watch Everclear at the Crystal. I'm not really big on concerts (I used to date a real dick and we went to concerts all the time, and in my brain those experiences are intertwined and BAH) but I actually really like Everclear and it sounded like a fun show (such a small venue).

We decided to make a mini-trip of it. Neither of us went to work yesterday, we dumped the dogs with my parents and scooted to Portland. We met our friend T and his friend (lets call her Perky because DAMN SHE IS PERKY). The two are not dating my Perky really fucking likes T and it is sort of sad. Not because she shouldn't like him, naturally we think T is wonderful, but that he just sort of leads her on because he is too nice. At any rate, we like Perky but damn those two are awkward to be around.

But a lovely hotel room in downtown Portland (king bed! we need a bigger bedroom because I ADORE the king bed), a nice dinner (with booze, we love booze) and then the concert. That ballroom is really a cool setup. Very intimate. But the signs everywhere detailing their policy on moshing and crowd surfing (that is: DON'T or you will be removed and possibly hobbled) were sort of alarming because they seemed to be inspired by construction restraints. That was made pretty clear because when people moved around the floor SWAYED. I have to admit, during the first song by Everclear when he urged the crowd to jump I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. The floor bounced and I thought, "we're all going to die, my parents are going to see this on the news, damn the poor dogs are going to be pissed." But I think they pretty much have figured out that floor can handle five hundred jumping people but NOT five hundred and one.

Was a great show, the opening bands were great, the crowd was largely great (except the fucking couple in front of us that I almost got into a fist fight with, I settled on "accidentally" shoving them repeatedly after they kept throwing elbows and hitting me in the face) and we had a blast. I mean my feet were SO swollen when we got bad to the hotel but that seemed like a small price to pay.

And tomorrow is the Superbowl. Hell of a weekend!

Diet Coke

I gave up regular soda recently. Not willingly. Not merrily. But after a long consultation with my teeth I had to give up the sweet sweet nectar. I would do this for no reason but my teeth, my ass can get as wide as the Grand Canyon and no worries but I don't want my teeth to fall out.

The funny thing is that once I switched to diet people felt compelled to comment on it. Rush to assure me that they were so relieved and that I am doing the right thing. Apparently regular Coke is the same thing as snorting coke off of hookers and I was doing it at WORK. I hate to break it to everyone: I do not give a shit about your concern. There is no enamel on my teeth (I was born without it), drinking soda is like dipping them in acid. My dentist assures me that diet is better (though he tried to sell me on no carbonated beverage thing but ah NO) and so diet it is. I don't smoke anymore. THIS IS ALL I HAVE LEFT PEOPLE.

Of course a couple days later some one is trying to get me to drink Vitamin water instead because diet soda is all chemicals and blah blah blah. No shit it is all chemicals. That is why I like it. And that Vitamin water shit is fucking expensive. IT IS WATER. Have a Flinstones chewable and chug some tap water and move on dude.

I hate the sanctimony of people's diet choices. I think it is really fabulous if you only eat organic or natural or whole wheat bat blood or WHATEVER the trendy thing is right now. I bet that works for you. But please, for the love of god, stop nattering to me about how what I am eating will kill me and all who gaze upon me.

That only makes me guzzle another Diet Coke.