I am not big on New Years. There is so much pressure for people to do a Big Night out. To have a great time. I think most people end up miserable. Or bored. I don't like resolutions because again, I think people promise themselves big things that they cannot live up to.

Last year's miscarriage on Decemeber 30th didn't make this time of year sweeter.

I made it through yesterday really well. I was and am proud of myself because I am still pretty raw around that experience. The only problem was that the Girl was pretty quiet yesterday. Not being as active. And I am terrible at counting kicks. At any rate she was still for most of the morning (typical) and I had flashbacks. To the dead embryo on the ultrasound screen. The bad news. The contractions. All of the blood in that bathroom. The emergency D&C.

But this pregnancy is not that pregnancy and The Girl is back to her normal tricks. I am 36 weeks on Saturday so she is almost fully cooked too. I had contractions last night, Braxton-Hicks, which kept sending J into a tailspin. He thinks I won't tell him if I am labor, or that I won't know.

I don't want to remind him that I had full contractions with the bleeding, that they told me that those felt very close to how the real ones would (this is how I know they motherfucking hurt plus no morphine this time).

I am feeling pretty lucky today (though tired, getting up for work this morning was hard after all of that).

Gratitude:
1. That it wasn't labor just yet. We really aren't ready. And The Girl really needs to stay put for at least a week because J is going to pick up his mom in California at the end of the week. And he needs to be here when she comes.
2. That it will be labor soon. I am pretty well done. My hips feel like they are splitting in two. My back is killing me. The BH contractions are really uncomfortable. Going to work is like torture (seriously, and I have a desk job, how do people who are on their feet do it?). I now understand why evolution had to make the third trimester suck so much. How else does squeezing an eight pound thing ever sound like a good idea?
3. The extra day off tomorrow.
4. Maternity leave. My company really does have a pretty good policy. I mean it's not Canada good but at least it's something. For this country that is amazing. And J and I are in a position where I should be cobble together 12 weeks off without sending us into the poorhouse. That is lucky and I am aware of how many women do not have this option.
5. My front loader washer and dryer. Taking on loads of baby stuff in a single bound.