Thursday, December 20, 2007

Oversharing for the Holidays

I've been rolling this around in my head (obsessing about it endlessly) since we got the letter and though I have promised J I will move on (I will! But haven't!) I just can't seem to stop.

My parents send out a Christmas letter each year and this year it had two things that made me lose my shit. One angrily. And the other is sadness.

The anger one is slightly petty and I am almost over it. They announced our baby's name. They were just excited first time grandparents and I am sure it didn't occur to them that maybe her parents would want to do that. You know, on the BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENTS. We're glad that you are excited but could you just hold it in a little better?

The sadness one. . . let me preface this that while I acknowledge that my parents are not perfect and did many things I would do differently they are really great parents and I aspire to be like them. I grew up in a healthy home, felt loved every day of my life, had my needs met and more, and now have a great relationship with two people who are able to be my friends too. I know that my parents would never intentionally hurt me. But.

They put my miscarriage in their Christmas letter. And it broke my heart.

I know that it is almost impossible to understand if you haven't been through it. But losing that baby was the worst time in my life. And though this pregnancy helps (and it does even though it SUCKS) it doesn't replace that baby. I know that J feels this way too. It's a strange feeling, because we want this baby so much so it is pretty much impossible to wish that the miscarriage hadn't happened (because she wouldn't exist) but at the same time . . .It is just still a painful event, intensely personal and something that we haven't shared with everyone we know, not even people we know very well.

And my parents announced it to every damn person they know. Some of whom I have never met.

It's been a few days and I am still crying about it. My father wrote the letter and he treaded very lightly on the subject and was tactful about it. But, like the name only more so, it wasn't theirs to share. I forgive them, of course I do, they didn't mean to do harm. But I am not over it. I feel exposed and raw and just sad. It is ten days until the anniversary of my D&C and I really didn't need to read about it in my parents' holiday greeting.

Merry Fucking Christmas indeed.

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