Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Why I Do Not Cut Myself A Break

I am struggling right now with my body image. I think the high of not being pregnant anymore and the initial rush of being so much smaller so quickly has worn off. My body is not the same, and while I really did not expect it to be I guess maybe in the back of my mind I did.

The worst part is that I don't know if I am being irrational at all. Am I really a lot huger than I was before? No idea. My clothes fit but differently. Things hang and drape where they didn't before. I feel wide. I feel ungainly. It is not unlike being thirteen and growing six inches in a year and just not knowing what to do with myself.

The baby is only five months old and if I were anyone else I would cut myself a huge break. But I cannot seem to. I had planned to get my act together about this shit before I had a daughter because even though she doesn't understand me at all I can feel her eyes on me. I do not want her to feel this way about herself.

I do not know what to do. I suppose just mindfuck it to death and feel bad about myself and then somehow accept things. I could get off my ass and change some things but I do not think that is going to happen.

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