Thursday, May 01, 2008

Missed Her

Today was my first day back at work from leave. I survived. That is how it went.

I was smart, and started on a Thursday. Everyone was just glad that I actually came back (if they only knew) and it made it a little easier.

Of course after the three am feeding this morning I cried for an hour and then just gave up and went to the office. J was impressed because he thought I would cry all night. I guess I should stop making room for that badass badge on my Mama Sash because I am fooling exactly no one.

I feel so incredibly lucky to have had this time with her. I am not built for stay-at-home momhood, which I think is so hard, even if it were financially workable for us (it isn't) so I am glad to have this to remember. She needed me these first few months and I needed to do this to become a mom. It wasn't natural to me--I needed the bootcamp. I know that not everyone is able to afford this luxury (which is a commentary on our country, we honestly expect people to go back to work immediately after birth? this is good for anyone?). Mo won't remember any of this but I will.

The guilt is crushing though. My job is not family friendly. It is high stress. I has a long commute. It sucks my soul. And I can't do anything about it except bust ass and hope the recession never really hits us.

And cry. I suspect I will do a lot of that.

1 comment:

alessandrastarr said...

Oh, you make me feels so sad :(

And kind of guilty for being a SAHM :(