Buster and I are holed up in the bedroom. He is intermittently napping and fretting and I am eating stir fried green beans. The baby is (finally) asleep, the husband is playing softball and Darla is at the vet recovering from surgery. Fortunately, Darla will be fine, she had a non-cancerous tumor removed but yeah . . .he needs to fret and I deserve my green beans.
The first week back at work has been . . .work. Mostly it is fine, some things have been a disaster. Luckily, the baby has been just fine. My getting up at 4am means that I get home in time to spend some real time with her. I am tired as all fuck but then again I would be anyway. Spending four hours with her each night vs. one helps with the crushing guilt. If I had only one hour with her I would feel like I need to be at my very uber-Momness--something that can hard to do right after work (or ever). But with four hours, well no one's perfect Sunshine.
Mostly I just feel relief to be getting more of me back. I think that comes with an older baby in general. Your body comes back a bit, so does your brain. At this time last year I was already pregnant so . . .just being able to have a drink and some sushi once in a while feels like a vacation.
I didn't know what motherhood would be like. I suppose no one does, they just think of fluffy wings and fling themselves off a cliff. The first weeks are hard and you feel exposed and raw and flayed. Like a naked chicken being dipped in batter over a fryer. But now you are sleeping a little more and having adult conversations and wearing shoes with heels and the baby is smiling and laughing and it's still hard and you are still raw but it's not so scary. You get used to hanging precariously over hot oil.
I am not the same as I was. My body is different, my hair is oddly curlier, I care less what other people think . . .and I can't really remember the time before. It feels like a long time ago. J and I keep adjusting, fiddling with the recipe to get things just right. And I think we will get there someday. And hope that someday is soon.