Dating Advice From Some One Who Doesn't Date

I would like a do-over.

My eyeball isn't being crushed inside my skull today. Amazing how that improves the day. So I am just pretending that today was my birthday. I made the executive decision to just sleep in and cruised in to work at 9. A much better way to begin the year so I'm thinking I will just switch to the 17th next year.

This is no excuse to anyone who might forget.
***

When my friend T was here, we talked a lot about her dating life. Now I have not dated in seven years (CHRIST ON A CRACKER) but I do recall that I was . . .not a good dater. I am not a very patient person, nor one to suffer fools kindly. My capacity for putting up with bullshit is about the size of a thimble and since dating is about 95% bullshit and 5% everything else I enjoyed dating but man I do not want to do it again.

Of course the next time, God willing, I will be like 90 years old and still a hot ticket because of my smoking ass.

But T and I were talking about the men she meets and what they are like and I was struck again, by no means for the first time in our friendship, how fundamentally different we are as people. Because, y'all, she is NICE. She puts up with so much crap that a girl that looks that good, is that smart, and has her shit together should just NOT DEAL WITH.

So I was thinking of some dating tips, just words of wisdom that dear GOD I wish people would take.

Never date some one that lives with their parents after age 21 (these are all excluding bizarre circumstances that are unavoidable).

Never date anyone keeps small dead animals that are not meant for food in their freezer.

Never date some one who says, "You are too good for me."

Never date anyone that blames their sexual dysfunction on you.

Never date some one who plays music/TV/literary police (as in you can't like Britney Spears because all pop music is CRAP sayeth He Who Knows Everything And Must Be Listened To)

Never date anyone who clips their toenails in the kitchen

Never date some one who won't give you a home phone number.

Never date anyone who doesn't admit they have kids until the third date.

Never date a man who hates his mother (I think for women this one is more the dad).

Never date a man who claims his mother is his best friend (again, Daddy issues for the ladies).

Never date some one who tries to dictate your hairstyle.

Never date anyone who tries to dictate your pubic hairstyle.

Never date some one who would vomit on your side of the bed, cover it with a towel and expect you to still sleep on it.

Never date some one with a tattoo related to Playboy.

Never date some one who flirts with your mother.

Never date anyone that tells all his friends what great blowjobs you give.

Never date anyone who tells you "they don't know how to love."

Never date some one who steals the silverware from the restaurant.

Never date anyone that asks you to show your tits to his brother to settle an argument.

Never date some one who asks about how you feel about fisting on the first date.

Never date anyone who has nicknames like The Crybaby and The Bitch for his ex-girlfriends.

Never date anyone who makes you call him Daddy.

Never date anyone who asks if he can call you a name that is not your own because yours is too similar to his ex-wife's.

Never date some one who has never had a real relationship before (after age 20).

Never date some one who doesn't like anyone to make A Sound during sex.

Never date some one who harps on your age (as in, I can't believe you are only 23!).

Never date anyone who shoplifts for fun.

Never date some one who pouts when you have your period and won't even consider having anal sex instead.

Kick that guy in the balls instead.

Damn. I think I could go on for hours. Imagine if I had stayed single long enough to get bitter.

Of course, I broke a rather large rule when dating J (but so far it hasn't bitten me in the ass). Never date anyone who has his crazy ex-girlfriend still living in his apartment after the break up (in my defense he kicked her out before we had a date).

Though I imagine it could have made a great story.