Why I am No Fun At Parties

I am not good at parties.

They require talking to strange people and eating politely and not drinking too much and SMILING and MY GOD I do none of those things well.

I am an introvert.
I am supposed to be ashamed of that. I am a little, I guess, except that I mean introverts are people too y'all.

I wasn't always this way. Actually I was, I just did, and still do sometimes, have times when I don't feel introverted. This happens daily, I feel comfortable and happy and just chat away with any old person. So really I am not an introvert I am just difficult because I only hate talking to people when I have to.

This is not making me look as good and normal and sympathetic as I might have hoped.

J and I went to a party on Saturday. Full of big scary grown ups and millions of small children. We were the youngest couple there and the only ones without kids and it seemed most of the women stayed home with their kids so we had nothing to talk about and oh my GOD I HATE TALKING TO GROUPS OF WOMEN ANYWAY. So yeah.

They were all so nice. Not one bratty comment about when were we going to have a kid or anything.

But yeah, terrifying. And also not fun. Remember when parties were fun? When you drank too many margaritas and made out with that one guy who NOW you realized looked like a rat and was like balding at 27 but damn he was a dreamy photographer then and his hairline made him seem sensitive.

At any rate adult parties are just not that rocking a time which explains why we do not have them anymore.

And then I got cornered.

This has happened before but I honestly thought this woman was going to attack me, rip the flesh off of me and then pick her teeth with my bones.

I work for a fairly well-known fashion oriented company. I do not design, sell, market or have anything to do with whatsoever apparel for teenaged girls. So PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER DEITY YOU WORSHIP do not corner me so you can berate me about how stores only sell "slutware" especially when the twelve year old girl in question is attending a BBQ type party on a seventy-five degree day in a turtle neck on some high-waisted pleated pants that gave her mom ass. I do not know how you made that child look older and dowdier than my fifty-nine year old mother but you managed it. So your goal of making her as modest and chaste looking as possible is successful! Please don't screech in my ear about how the platform shoes they sell for girls is going to be the downfall of civilization as we know it due to the deterioration of the skeletal system. Please notice that I am wearing high heeled shoes. And low rise jeans. You have just made it clear that you think I dress like a whore and am trying to corrupt your daughter's posture and her morals!

I think you now understand why I no longer leave my house.

Lesson learned. Or rather affirmed.