I do try never to write about work so here I am TOTALLY NOT WRITING ABOUT WORK, this is simply a hypothetical memo written to a hypothetical co-worker who might hypothetically sit next to some one who MIGHT RESEMBLE ME IN SOME SMALL WAY.
Notice to the worker in cube 666*,
Welcome to your new seat! We are pleased to have you settle with us. You might have noticed that you are not sitting at all with your team, this is because they have requested you be on another floor. Preferably as far as possible from them as you make them batshit crazy. Rest assured we are certain that you will make your new neighbors crazy too, but there was really nowhere we could seat you.
The way that you can make sure you fit in immediately is to make as much noise as possible. Bang on your keyboard and desk while programs load on your computer, screech into the phone as many hours of the day as possible, complain loudly about your new job which you took voluntarily and are being paid quite of money to do.
DO NOT turn off the sound on your computer! People REALLY like that little email notification blip sounding every three seconds for eight hours a day. It is like MUSIC.
The most important thing is to speak in baby talk. We know you want to make a professional impression and the best way to do that is to speak to EVERYONE very slowly and ask them several times where the "potty" is. If you can't think of a way to work the word potty into the conversation than just imitate two year olds. It is ENDEARING.
Welcome aboard! We have a pool going on when you the first person bludgeons you with a three hole punch. Try not to bleed on the carpet!
The Welcome Wagon
PS. We chose July 3rd so if you don't mind.
*Actually, she is quite lovely and I am already growing used to her. Though she doesn't EXIST at all and is in fact totally made up. Mostly. Of course. DON'T DOOCE ME.