Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Fatty Failure

I've gained a lot of weight. People smile when I say this, and immediately jump in with "but you're pregnant!" as if I have somehow forgotten when said pregnancy has enabled me the wondrous experience of having fetal tap dancing on my bladder. But as of my doctor's appointment this afternoon I have gained twenty five pounds. Which, honestly, could have been a nice gain for the whole pregnancy. I have more than thirteen weeks to go. If I am honest it is all in the front (except the huge amount in my boobs and the water pooling in my ankles) which is a positive but let us not kid ourselves. Kiddo weighs about two pounds right now, she isn't driving this bus.

I was not small to begin with, I don't think of myself as tall though technically I am. Almost 5'8". And I have the blessing/curse of being able to carry more weight than people imagine I am. This is a blessing because who wants to look like they weigh more than they do? But at the same time, I am not light. I am a solid German girl.

I have to confess I had hoped I would be one of those women who wouldn't gain that much since I wasn't tiny to begin with. Yes, my weight was normal, but it's the high end. And I didn't need to do the sixty pound pregnancy thing like my mother. Pregnancy has exposed to me how really fucking shallow I am. I don't like looking this fat. I don't like being this weight. And when my doctor mentioned that it was a little high I just heard the chimes of doom in my head.

Honestly, I should have asked her to clarify for me, because I am an obsessor. So is this something I should freak out about and eliminate sugar and worry and fret or is this just a sign that maybe I should get off my ass a little more often? But I didn't ask and now it's like the day after a big date, well how did she say it? It's sad really.

I wish I could say that I have been eating really well this whole time. I don't think I am eating a ton but I mean it's not all lean meats and vegetables, if it were I wouldn't worry. This would just be how my body does pregnant. But I mean I have been eating a lot of carbs and lets be honest there have been cookies and cereal and that two weeks of really intense ice cream. I am thinking in terms of how our culture thinks of food--good and bad--something that I try not to do. My mother dieted my entire childhood and with my sort of fretty personality I could morph into crazyland food issueville FAST. I don't want to do that. But I don't want to doom my kid to childhood of obesity because I can't put down the peanut butter either.

Weightgain during pregnancy is a hot button issue. There are eighty-seven million articles about how you shouldn't gain too much weight (but they never really say how much is too much, they just tell you the averages which aren't adjusted for height and starting weights) but never ever diet either. Which just leaves you with worry. And feeling like you have already failed.

Fuck. I thought I escaped my mother's diets and my women's college with a pretty decent body image. Guess not.

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