My laptop mysteriously died the other day. Of course when I say mysteriously died I am really saying I am pretty sure J spilled something on it. This is a damn shame because I love my laptop and the glorious freedom of playing on the internets while lounging like a lazy trollop in bed. And also because there will be a seriously lack of blogging until it is returned to me. Though I will try.
I have entered the third stage of fucking giving up of pregnancy. The first stage is the first trimester where maybe you wash your hair slightly less often, rock the ponytail sometimes at work, maybe give up your most uncomfortable shoes. The second stage is the slightly portly stage, and more days without eyeliner. The third stage is the comfortable shoe stage and lord I bought me some clogs. Clogs which made my feet swell up like fat sausages and screech in protest (this is not due to the shoes but due to my instep and a poorly chosen size). They are not cute with my dress up work clothes and really signal my full descent into third stage. Where my hair is just cute enough and most of my makeup time is devoted to the dark cavernous circles under my eyes. I am sure fourth stage involves going to work in my adidas workout pants and baby pink t-shirt that reads "What's kicking" with little baby feet in puffy paint. And surfing the internet for minivan prices because FUCK WHAT ELSE PEOPLE.
I had lunch with a friend of mine today who has a fourth month old. She spent the whole time either giving me advice that I didn't ask for (and really didn't want), talking to the baby like I wasn't there (which FUCK I hate that) and telling me how AMAZING IT ALL IS. In all caps people believe me I could tell.
I hate the MY BAYBEEE IS AMAZING thing even though I am sure I will do it (and also the advice thing and possibly the damn talking to the baby instead of people who can answer) because it squicks me out. And also, I am just not mushy like that and it makes me feel guilty. I love my baby and all but I don't think that she is amazing. She is standing on my fucking bladder which makes me hate her a little (but just a little). This makes me less than mother of the year I am aware.
I am pretty sure this post guarantees that I will be the world's most annoying new mother. WOOT!