Fucking Failure

I am filled with all kinds of angst today, angst that is probably brought on by equal parts hormones and fatigue and phlegm dripping down my throat. I am so tired that I feel every single bone in my body, each one, down to the last distal philange. I felt dizzy this morning and went to lay in the office cot room--thinking I would be ten minutes and feel fine. I stumbled upstairs after a forty minute nap. After lunch I had a brief black out and my desk. Like some sort of drunken sorority girl.

Being pregnant is hard. And since I don't look pregnant (except to me because I am huge y'all but everyone else just thinks I am fat) I don't think people understand. I think until a woman looks like a characterature, until she is a fucking cartoon, people assume she is normal. But there is a dreadful cocktail in my body that demands that I eat while making me projectile vomit--get carsick for a couple of months straight and see how chipper you are.

I already feel the working mom stress. And there is no kid. Because I can tell my boss thinks less of me. Maybe I am imagining it. But she was like "You better not throw up while we are in NY," oh well since you SAY SO. I just enjoy it so I haven't been able to help myself. I don't want to lose my job or have people think that I am unprofessional because I am pregnant. But I can't pretend that I am at my peak of work performance. I am getting things done but it is hard. I maintain it's no different than when people are sick or have personal issues that need dealing with outside of work but I know it feels different. I don't want to be the girl that sets back feminism thirty years because she gets a little woozy in the afternoons and has to go home.

I desperately do not want next week to happen. It is an intense, on your feet work event, followed by a cross-country flight and then meeting after meeting with dinners late into the evening. It is an opportunity to network and really get a lot of things accomplished and to shine professionally. I made great impressions last trip. This trip I am pretty sure I am going to come off stupid. And I hate that. I hate feeling less than capable. But what can I do? I am truly doing everything that I can.

And it's just not good enough.