Good and Bad

The good stuff:

For the most part I have been lucky with breastfeeding. With a short, like five minute session, meeting with a lactation consultant at the hospital and a flirtation with nipple shields breast feeding has been pretty simple. I even weaned her mercilously from the shields without even asking her first. I suppose now that I have put this on the internet this will all stop and things will go to hell tonight but so far this has been a bright spot. I am tied to this kid and it is exhausting but at least it has been going as well as could be expected.

The kid is adorable. She gets cuter every day which is good because the hormones are wearing off and the old man newborn look is not as attractive as one would hope. She has fattened up and is filling out her newborn threads much more fetchingly. Also fabulous? How she can hold her pacifier in this tricky way and manages to stash extras in her shirts. How does she do this? Only the under one month set can know.

I managed to shoe-horn the hanging belly into another pair of pre-preggo jeans. These are still not my pants from my skinniest point but they are good jeans and fortunately high waisted enough to control the hang. I am still living in lounge pants but the option of jeans is a happy thought to have tucked into my pocket.

The bad stuff:

The kid doesn't sleep at night. She feeds and naps at lovely intervals (2-4 hours) during the day but at night she can't be down for more than fifteen minutes without something. Some of that is just new-mom shit, I can tell, she snorffles and I have to check on her. But I am also trying to keep her from waking up J and if I am awake anyway? What's the big. This is sucking the life out of me and cannot be good for her since she hits the morning all exhuasted.

I think I am sinking into post-partum depression. I am torn on what to do about this other than tough it out. Is it severe enough for meds? A new mom's group? It's all so confusing. And no one knows shit.

My MIL. Has been SO MUCH help these last couple of weeks. But lord, it has been more than a month and woman doesn't have a job. Or a shot at one. Which means she can't move out. Which is stressful. Even if she is helpful. My house is small and well, it's a lot. I don't want her gone tomorrow. But I'd like some hope that she will be out of the house sometime in the next couple of months. PLEASE

J is gone. All the time. This isn't his fault. Poor thing. He has a big project launching Monday. But it sucks. For me, because he should be with us during this time. And it sucks for Mo, who just adores him. But mainly for me, because I am selfish and if I have to fall apart it basically has to happen when he is here. And there are limits to how much I can hold my shit together.