I had the most horrible dream the other night. And I know the internets are full of other people’s really boring dreams that they find just fascinating and actually I am totally guilty of posting my pointless dreams repeatedly this one chilled me to the bone. I was shaking off the aftershocks all day long, reminding myself that it wasn’t true.
In my dream I went to the doctor’s for a regular appointment (it must be noted that it wasn’t my regular doctor or her office but it didn’t seem to surprise me in the dream at all). I had been having pains all day and mentioned them to the nurse who hooked me up to a monitor and found they were contractions. I started to panic as I am just about eighteen weeks and that is certainly much too early for any sort of delivery but the nurse was nonplussed. She told me that it didn’t matter since my baby was dead anyway. We could just deliver now.
Since I was freaking out so much, because isn’t that the only possible response to that, they had another nurse come in. This one found that the baby wasn’t dead and gave me some sort of giant pill to stop the contractions.
I guess the truth is you never feel safe. Never feel as though you will be fine. I read a story online the other day (unintentionally as I had NO IDEA what I was about to read) about a couple who went in for a normal delivery (39 weeks so not really even early) and their baby died on the way to the hospital. How does some one write about that later or even have a later after something like that happens I have no idea. But since reading that story I feel much more aware of how unsettled I feel. How anxious. Finding out the gender in a week or so is causing me fits because I feel like I NEED to know. Despite the fact that I don’t actually care one way or another. It is like knowing what the baby is is going to keep it safe. Maybe not calling it an it?
I don’t think it ever stops. My mother worries about me every day. You are bringing something into the world that you love beyond reason so it is almost natural that you are terrified of losing it (IT AGAIN I NEED A BETTER NOUN PLEASE). I suppose the trick is to learn how to control that fear, to make it manageable so that you are not me—lying in bed, white faced and afraid to move, over a dream that is unlikely to come true.
And you know that if it does come true, there is nothing you can do to stop it.