I haven't written you here because well, it is a little twee to write to your unborn child on the internet. We've been calling you Muppet because, well, judging by the ultrasounds you are like a little Animal in there thrashing around on your damn drums--all giant head and skinny arms.
Tomorrow we find out if you are a boy or a girl. People have very strong opinions about this. People will tell me that I would be a good boy mom (for the life of me I cannot fucking figure out what this means but THANKS PEOPLE) or pull me aside to try to get me to say I really want a girl. I have to admit that both me and your dad go back and forth on this, mainly because we hear chimes of doom for both genders. We are not a sunny family, so honestly I am not as worried about your gender as I am about whether you will become a Republican or an optimist. Sadly, no one can tell me that via the ultrasound.
For a while I confess that I really wanted you to be a boy because I was afraid that I would be a shitty mom for a girl. Then I realized that I would figure it out either way and really I can't wait to just know. However, if you are a girl, could you pound out a name for yourself via Morse Code because we are just STRUGGLING for names here. You have pissed off everyone this week because you and I are defying ALL wives tales by landing right in the middle. I sort of enjoy that you are joining me in this early act of defiance.
We watched football all day today and as I was calling Sean Alexander a worthless piece of shit (forgive me, but the dude had a shit start) I realized I am going to have to drastically clean my act up by this time next year. Next year you will be in 49er gear (because you are already a fan, we had a talk) screeching along with us. It just won't do for you to have your first words be Motherfucker or Cocksucker, both of which are strong possibilities.
If you are a girl, I will give liking pink and princesses a grand try should that be your thing (also, I suppose if you are a boy into those things). That isn't my nature but I trust we will figure things out. If you are a boy, well I don't know shit about boys either but I am a quick learner. Either way, could you stop giving me this much heartburn?
Can't wait to see you tomorrow. Make sure to flash your bits.