Sunday, September 09, 2007


Dear Muppet,

I haven't written you here because well, it is a little twee to write to your unborn child on the internet. We've been calling you Muppet because, well, judging by the ultrasounds you are like a little Animal in there thrashing around on your damn drums--all giant head and skinny arms.

Tomorrow we find out if you are a boy or a girl. People have very strong opinions about this. People will tell me that I would be a good boy mom (for the life of me I cannot fucking figure out what this means but THANKS PEOPLE) or pull me aside to try to get me to say I really want a girl. I have to admit that both me and your dad go back and forth on this, mainly because we hear chimes of doom for both genders. We are not a sunny family, so honestly I am not as worried about your gender as I am about whether you will become a Republican or an optimist. Sadly, no one can tell me that via the ultrasound.

For a while I confess that I really wanted you to be a boy because I was afraid that I would be a shitty mom for a girl. Then I realized that I would figure it out either way and really I can't wait to just know. However, if you are a girl, could you pound out a name for yourself via Morse Code because we are just STRUGGLING for names here. You have pissed off everyone this week because you and I are defying ALL wives tales by landing right in the middle. I sort of enjoy that you are joining me in this early act of defiance.

We watched football all day today and as I was calling Sean Alexander a worthless piece of shit (forgive me, but the dude had a shit start) I realized I am going to have to drastically clean my act up by this time next year. Next year you will be in 49er gear (because you are already a fan, we had a talk) screeching along with us. It just won't do for you to have your first words be Motherfucker or Cocksucker, both of which are strong possibilities.

If you are a girl, I will give liking pink and princesses a grand try should that be your thing (also, I suppose if you are a boy into those things). That isn't my nature but I trust we will figure things out. If you are a boy, well I don't know shit about boys either but I am a quick learner. Either way, could you stop giving me this much heartburn?

Can't wait to see you tomorrow. Make sure to flash your bits.



Linda! said...

TOTALLY forgot that was this morning.

Eeek said...

I hope that the muppet cooperates.

Sandra said...

I dress my baby girl in blue all the time, and yep, she gets called a boy. But I HATE pink.