Saturday, December 23, 2006

What It Feels Like

Like the sudden rush of shit to the heart that comes with that phone call you get early in the morning from your mom, the one that starts with "Sweetheart, I have something to tell you . . " but repeated over and over for days and days.

Like the worst loneliness you can imagine, even when you are lying in bed holding hands with your husband who feels exactly the same as you do.

Like you have disappointed everyone you know. If you are like me, and ordinary, you have made both of your parents proud to bursting maybe twice in your life. And mine were so happy they were telling grocery clerks and now it's over.

Like your head is going to burst with rage. Anyone who says "it's God's will," will get a sharp object shoved up their ass. If God doesn't want me to have a baby then God can fuck himself.

Like the nights last for years because you are not sleeping.

Like your heart has been worked over with a cheese grater.

Like nothing matters.

Like the next thing that will happen to you is 4300 people will hock loogies on you at once.

Like your eyes have sprung open to how many people have gone through this very thing.

I know that it will not always feel this way. That one day it will not be so raw. But I know that I will never be quite the same--I'll be like a zipper that got off track and now sticks in that one little place. I just compared myself with a zipper so it also feels like being a crazy person.

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