Last week I was making all decisions based on what would be most likely to allow me to hold my shit together. I had a mixed success (only my boss at work knows what has happened but everyone keeps staring at me like I might start bawling and pull out a gun) and am just now sort of starting to feel much of anything (I mean besides the grief emotions and RAGE).
One of those decisions I made was to miscarry at home, I just couldn't face the surgery (even though I know it is so minor and BAH). Sometime Sunday I started questioning this, because it could take four weeks and damn it sucks having a ticking time bomb in your abdomen. So I put myself on a shortened timeline. Of course I have had cramps for three days and nothing doing (some blood today--sorry! GRAPHIC! Delicate people should come back later) so who knows how long this will take.
The doctor recommends using pads, no tampons, and while it took me a minute to figure out what he was talking about I did manage to drag myself to the drugstore to buy some after work. I haven't used a pad since about eighth grade (and somewhere on the internet lives the story of once I got a tampon stuck in my vagina yay me I am smart so look back for that treasure) because they are horrible. But somehow I sorted through the eighty-seven THOUSAND options and bought something. Resentfully. I don't see why I should have to PAY MONEY to bleed out my baby (wow, not doing as well as I thought, sorry for the bitter spurt).
Uncle Chris (ok funny story first, so I get home tonight and his dopp kit is on the back of the toilet. And no shit I could have SWORN his toothbrush holder was a little gray dildo and I was thinking HUH I mean I know this is his vacation but WOW. But no, TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER not anal penetration device, though I suppose it could be multi-purpose) is here this week and J was asking me all about how I was feeling and I look at the poor guy and I think SHUT UP HONEY DON'T MAKE OUR FRIEND LISTEN TO THIS. Because seriously, let's just watch Ninja Warrior on TV and let me enjoy the ibuprofen ok? We'll talk about it later.
All along I thought I just wanted this to be over. It isn't over, and may not be for a while, but the truth is that isn't what I wanted after all. I want this to be a dream, I want to go back to a week ago when I was so happy. But when this part is over I think it will be better, I won't have a bomb in my belly anymore after all.