Sunday, March 20, 2011

There Are Always Cracks

It seems odd to put this here, after a glowing post about J and marriage and yet I just need to put it somewhere.

Being married is HARD. And I know this is a big no shitter to anyone who has even dated some one for more then ten minutes but even after ten years it occasionally hits me like a bat to the face. It is true that most of the time J makes me feel loved and supported and like I am part of a team. We have a family and that is a special thing that is more important to me than anything else. But it is also true that he hurts me more and deeper than anyone else.

Because when the person who is supposed to love you and value you does something cold or cruel it hurts more than a stranger.

It is also true that with marriage and now a child I feel more of at a loss than I did before. I am not going to leave him because of something small and yet each time there is something small that he doesn't see (no matter how much I show him) I feel cracks.

It is possible to have some one be the person you love and value and need and yet also acknowledge that there are scary holes in that relationship. As a child with parents who have been married for forty years and grandparents who made it more than sixty I know that those cracks exist in every marriage. Right now I am just sad, the kind of sad that will fade in time.

1 comment:

Linda said...

:( Makes me sad but because I know exactly what you mean. It's hard, yo. Isn't there a saying about how things that are worth fighting for are the hardest... hmm, maybe it was just me who made that up. But STILL. I get it.