As a little girl I was "smart." I was a good student, well behaved, got good grades. I had to study a little, just enough to have to try, but not enough to have to work too hard. I helped my classmates along. I grew up to be a good high school student, got into a good college and I had no plan at all of what to do when I got there. I had no plan, no goals and no focus. And for the longest time I have been dealing with the fall out of that. What happens when the girl who could do anything grows up and does nothing?
I've been ashamed, when in reality I know that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have built a career for myself, I have a beautiful home, I have an amazing family. But I haven't done anything special with my career. I can't shake the feeling that I've been too safe.
I remember never being able to answer, "what are you going to be when you grow up?" Not ever really. I do remember having some ideas--ideas that were ruled impractical by my parents. Now, I do not blame them, they were just trying to help. But I never found a goal that was just right.
I never learned how to dream.
I am thirty years old. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I still don't have any idea where I am headed. But there is the tiniest of dreams stewing in my head. The beginning. And I am gearing up to leap in the way that I should have when I was seventeen or eighteen or even twenty-five. But I am getting there.
I still love getting A's in classes. I still love to be the smart girl. But I am learning to love being a dreamer.