Happy New Year

So I am following Jonna and Linda into this meme. I am sure I missed their deadlines but well, it's still 2008 here.


1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? Gave birth. Made hot wings. Swam a lap.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I’ve never really made resolutions but maybe I should. Have some focus for next year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Me! My pal L.
4. Did anyone close to you die? No, thank God, but J did lose his great-grandmother.
5. What countries did you visit? None. I am not much of a traveler but this needs to change.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? Some balance. I feel like I spent this year tinkering with my life trying to figure out a way to have a life and work and have a baby and wow I would like to invest that energy elsewhere in 2009.
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? January 28th, Ramona’s birthday. Actually, the 26th through the 28th since I was in active labor all that time. And November 4th. I imagine we will all hang on to that one.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Surviving Baby Bootcamp. Learning to swim.
9. What was your biggest failure? I had a goal to not be doing my current job by July 08 and wow I am still doing it.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No, luckily.
11. What was the best thing you bought? Post-birth jeans. They are different than my pre-baby ones but they don't have an elastic waistband which is the most important feature.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My mother. She has been incredibly supportive and a great grandmother. And not a pain in the a** at all, which is sort of a miracle.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? John McCain. And sometimes my own.
14. Where did most of your money go? The house. Paying down debt.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Not being pregnant anymore. Obama’s victory.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008? You Are My Sunshine—since I sang it to Ramona every night this year.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? Happier b) thinner or fatter? Thinner but only because I was nine months pregnant last year. c) richer or poorer? Richer in basically every way.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Sleeping
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Worrying
20. How did you spend Christmas? Slacking off at my parent’s house
21. Did you fall in love in 2008? Yup. With baby.
22. What was your favorite TV program? My friend L got me hooked on House.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No.
24. What was the best book you read? The Year of Living Biblically
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? James Morrison even though I know I am about the last one in the world to find him.
26. What did you want and get? A Flip video camera—thanks Mom.
27. What did you want and not get? A longer maternity leave.
28. What was your favorite film of this year? I don’t think I saw a single movie this year. Wait, Kung Fu Panda. What does that say about me?
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? It was my thirtieth and I went all over the WORLD to find my friend Chris a Wii. And then my husband took a group of friends out to a dueling piano bar.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? This is too mind-fucking to consider.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Puzzling. The post-Ramona shape is not exactly what I had hoped and I still trying to figure out how to work the new body.
32. What kept you sane? The internets.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Obama. Actually both Mr. And Mrs. Obama.
34. What political issue stirred you the most? Gay marriage. Prop 8.
35. Who did you miss? My best friend T.
36. Who was the best new person you met? The best new person is actually an old person. I re-connected with one of my good friends from Junior High/High School after not seeing her for twelve years.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. That I really can't control things so I should stop trying.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. I am terrible with song lyrics so SKIPPING.

Have a Happy New Year Y'all.

Happy Holiday

I did something dreadful to my back (yes, I said DREADFUL). It now feels like chipmunks have been chewing it up like it was made of acorns.

I hope that you all had a lovely holiday, I did and now I just want to nap until the New Year. I can't so all of you should and tell me all about it.

Merry Christmas

J and I are celebrating this holiday that is not really ours by having a wicked fight. We don't fight often so when we do it is always a shock and just awful. I am sure we will sort it out eventually (though right now it feels like we will not) but in the mean time AWKWARD.

I hope that your holidays, if you celebrate, are more festive and friendly.

Reason #912

When I was growing up we had this front closet that was always jammed full of crap. There were a bunch of scarves, including crocheted ones that my grandmother made with our initials on that we never wore, my spiderman ski mask--though I have never skied, those twee mittens on strings so we could not lose one but possibly hang ourselves getting ready to go out in the snow and a big giant pile of boots. I used to like to hide in the closet and try everything on--like a big cold weather version of the makeover scene from Pretty Woman.

My favorite things in the world were my mother's high heeled snow boots.

Now that I am an adult I wonder what the fuck she was thinking with high heeled snow boots. Especially in Iowa were there really was a lot of snow and ice. But at the time I thought they were unspeakably glamorous and obviously what I would wear when I grew up.

This is my only (weak) defense for what comes next. I wore my regular high heeled boots to work today. I didn't think much about how the park and ride would be a sheet of ice. Or how no one shovels so there would be drifts blocking every sidewalk a foot deep. I didn't think really. So I trotted off to work in my Jessica Simpson (MORE SHAME) boots and basically skated around the park and ride in front of a lot of people.

When my bus didn't come (for hours), I finally drove a friend of mine in and she screeched at me. Which is how I found myself buying real boots at lunch. Warm and cozy, very practical, and miraculously on sale. I say miraculously because every woman in Seattle was buying boots today.

They don't have high heels though. Adulthood is nothing like how I thought it would be.

I Am Sure That Is How The Idea Was Pitched Anyway

For the past week the Pacific Northwest has been hammered by snow and ice. At my house we have over a foot of snow. I know that in other parts of the country we are being laughed at with our city shutdowns and emergencies. But there are two important factors that everyone overlooks while pointing and laughing at Seattle. We average about three inches of snow per year, so we don't have many snow plows, sanding trucks or people who know how to use that equipment. And there are about three flat streets in the entire metro area.

So I haven't been to the office for a week. Not because I could not physically get there, but because I am not willing to wait two hours for a bus that will take two hours to get there. And risk getting stuck because they stop running the buses because really none of us belong in articulating buses on streets that look remarkably like luge courses.

For a couple of days I really dug the novelty of running reports in my PJs and not doing my hair. Then for a couple of days I consoled myself that at least I was getting to eat better lunches than I usually do since I could cook actual food. But today I was just sort of bored. I wouldn't mind working from home but I am not really set up to do so. Tap tap tapping away at my laptop under a duvet in front of a Clean House marathon is awesome and all but well . . . I miss having a desk top, wrist support and a working environment that does not involve a screeching baby who is pissed she isn't allowed to climb stairs.

If I had known this was going to happen I would have set up an office upstairs in other words.

Even staying home from work I have logged some serious hours out in the weather. Let me tell you, four wheel drive is totally worth it. Even for a couple of weeks a year. And I should probably own gloves, a hat and maybe some shoes that are not totally freaking stupid in the snow. I slid across a parking lot and landed on my ass today in a way that was not graceful and wow hours later my ass still hurts.

I am ready for the snow to melt now please. Also, for Christmas to be over. And for my baby to quit trying to kill herself on various parts of my house. And to take a vacation--even though that is unlikely to happen any time soon.

I will settle for the snow melting.

I do love my seat warmers in my car though. Whoever invented that shit deserves some sort of prize. Like the Nobel Peace Prize. That seems extreme but I didn't kill anyone Saturday morning when I was out and about and I might have had I been even one degree colder than I already was. Butt warming technology saves lives.

Dreamer

As a little girl I was "smart." I was a good student, well behaved, got good grades. I had to study a little, just enough to have to try, but not enough to have to work too hard. I helped my classmates along. I grew up to be a good high school student, got into a good college and I had no plan at all of what to do when I got there. I had no plan, no goals and no focus. And for the longest time I have been dealing with the fall out of that. What happens when the girl who could do anything grows up and does nothing?

I've been ashamed, when in reality I know that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have built a career for myself, I have a beautiful home, I have an amazing family. But I haven't done anything special with my career. I can't shake the feeling that I've been too safe.

I remember never being able to answer, "what are you going to be when you grow up?" Not ever really. I do remember having some ideas--ideas that were ruled impractical by my parents. Now, I do not blame them, they were just trying to help. But I never found a goal that was just right.

I never learned how to dream.

I am thirty years old. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I still don't have any idea where I am headed. But there is the tiniest of dreams stewing in my head. The beginning. And I am gearing up to leap in the way that I should have when I was seventeen or eighteen or even twenty-five. But I am getting there.

I still love getting A's in classes. I still love to be the smart girl. But I am learning to love being a dreamer.

Hate Winter

I am so very bored of the snow. It is icy and cold and slick and gah I haven't been to the office since Tuesday. As much as it is interesting to work in my jammies I would like very much to be able to be out and about. And also, to talk about something besides the damn weather.

Don't mind me, I am just pissed off.

I Guess I Just Fail

A couple of months ago I posted because the kid had popped up on her hands and knees and squirmed around. I believe I said, the not dramatic at all "HOLY SHIT MY LIFE IS OVER."

And then she never did it again.

Sure, she became the master of rolling around from place to place and girlfriend could scoot backwards faster than I can run (which, is not that fast but still fast on your stomach). So I was the Mama Who Cried CRAWL and J was convinced I was making it all up.

Well Friday morning she started doing the whole army man crawl--like a sniper stalking her kill--to being able to scramble around the house at a rapid clip on all fours. For a couple of weeks she has been cruising slowly around all the furniture but now she pretty much runs while hanging on to the couch and coffee table.

I fear we are getting awfully close to toddling.

I swear, just when I get comfortable the baby changes all the rules on me. Now it's about trying to make sure there is nothing on the floor that will kill her dead RIGHT NOW. And also not letting her impale herself on the coffee table. Damn, it sounds easier typed out like that.

Missed the Baby

Ramona just spent two nights with my parents (well my mother, if I am honest, because my dad does toy pick up duty and funny face making duty and well strap her in the carseat duty but everything else is all Grandma) and I feel a little weird about the whole thing.

On one hand, it was good for everyone. J and I went to see Robin Williams Friday night (hilarious, alarming and clearly coked out) and had drinks with friends. We slept in both mornings. We met people out at a bar to celebrate J's birthday. We got massages! It was like a vacation. We ate meals without having to entertain a tiny dictator. We drove without trying to calculate nap time. We stayed up late without paying a terrible price. And that was good. Also, my parents clearly had a ball. The baby got to have alone time with her grandparents and be adored. Everyone is a winner.

On the other, I missed her. This makes me feel a little pathetic really. But for all my bitching about the drudgery of being a mom, and how the hour between five and six every day is excrutiating, I still am a mom. And I still love my baby girl. I guess I can't really get through the day without munching some baby feet and smelling her little curls and playing peekaboo. I guess this means I am officially even less cool than I was before (which . . .is not easy). And also that I am going to have to come up with something. Since she is rapidly approaching toddlerhood.

I am such a fucking sap aren't I?

Muddling

There is just a soupy mess in my head. The meat of last week--work induced exhaustion + gratitude inspired by the holiday. Bits of cute baby stuff--she's been scooting her car around the house backwards and begged for pie at Thanksgiving. And the spices are the current economy, a bunch of work nonsense and that stupid baby formula contamination. Yeah, I have heartburn.

I don't know how to sort through it all. Feels like there are no answers to anything. I just keep muddling through it. I suppose that is what we are all doing.