Zen

I am sure it gets old to click here and read how very tired I am but . . I am so very tired. I feel it all the way to my toes. I came home from work today and J went to the Hulk and I took a hot shower and ate french fries for dinner. It is that kind of day.

The baby and I watched the Cubs game and she went to sleep without screaming at me for two hours which I appreciated so very much.

I spent most of the day trying to wrap my fingers around my life--trying to figure out how to not hang on so damn tightly that I snap it in half. A lot of shit has gone down here in the last couple of days, the usual work bullshit and existential mother guilt shit and my grandmother moving into a home shit and baby will not fucking sleep shit and I cracked a little on the inside yesterday. It is so very hard to feel like you are living your life right. That you will not wake up in thirty years really pissed off at yourself.

So I spent the day getting Zen about this stuff and forgiving myself for this financial stupidity that would have sent us into ruin a few years ago but now just means I feel bad and I was almost there when I got in my car to come home. And I noticed that no sound was coming out of the speakers on the right side of the car. I mess with a little and mess with it some more and go wild worrying about how now J won't want to drive this car when we buy another one this summer and how that means the car is probably falling apart (because the engine is controlled by the speakers somehow in this scenario) and wow I was off the cliff there for a moment.

Then I realized that the damn IPod adapter wasn't plugged in all the way and fixed it.

I think I have a ways to go before I am Zen.