What Dreams May Come

Last week (the night of the fucking snow storm) I had this vivid dream that J sat me down and told me he was deeply unhappy. In fact, he was so deeply unhappy that he could not longer live this way and was just leaving me and our life together. When we woke up the next morning I was so relieved that he was still here. But it didn't really register that it was a dream. I apologized to him for not understanding his unhappiness, for not seeing his sadness. I cried and told him how scared I was.

Dude had NO IDEA what I was talking about.

I don't dream much honestly, or at least I don't remember them if I do. And I recognize how dull it is to hear about some one else's dreams. But that was the most disorienting thing I think has ever happened to me. It was like having the wind knocked out of me. J and I, for the most part, just cruise along in married life. It feels like we have always been married and it is easy to leap ahead and assume we will be always married. It is almost impossible to imagine otherwise. But my subconscious did imagine it. And then had a meltdown while J was trying to figure out why the fuck I was so upset about a tree that didn't hit anything.

Anyone wondering why a great girl like me is with a schmuck like him should have the thought that it might be because I am difficult dawning on them right about now.

Bring On Spring

Since it was a blizzarding outside I felt safe last night thinking that I would not be heading into the office this morning. J and I were watching Monday's episode of How I Met Your Mother on Ti-Faux when the power went out and we heard a sickening crash. After a ridiculous, practically Three Stooges, run around to get boots we bolted outside to find half of a tree missing and through our power, cable and phone lines.

The best news? We had somehow gotten incredibly lucky again and the tree missed our neighbor's garage. Also, only our power and cable were out which was important because our neighbor's elderly mother lives with her and I do not need to even think about an eighty year old woman with no heat in the kind of cold that was happening last night. We sloshed around the house, gathering blankets, trying to find a phone book so we could call the power company and managed to get J's cell phone. I have to say I was massively impressed with the service of PUD and Comcast. PUD had guys out here at midnight and had our power on this morning. Comcast had the cable and phone up this evening. So other than the giant tree in the back there is no lasting harm.

Of course I didn't get to have a day at home doing work in my jammies. We had "Bring Your Wife To Work Day" and man. I don't like my office much but I love it compared to his. It's all quiet and the bathroom was in the middle (and damn it when you have Crohn's disease not shitting is not an option). And everything was working so slowly since I was connected remotely.

I don't know how we are getting so lucky not having huge damage to our property or anyone else's (or how we are so unlucky to have fucking trees dropping all over the place) but I am over winter. FUCK WINTER.

Looks Like I Won't Be Going To Work Tomorrow

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

Yeah. That is my city.

My bus jack-knifed on the way home. But luckily everyone is fine.

I hate winter.

Everything I Know About Being Beautiful I Learned On The Internet

I am puzzled how we did certain things before the internet. If you didn't know where something was you couldn't just hit mapquest. If you couldn't figure out who the hell that one guy in that one movie was you couldn't go to IMDB. And if you wanted to try a new beauty product you were stuck either trying things out blind, or with suggestions from your immediate circle of friends.

Well the dark ages are over and I am trying all sort of things recommended on the internets.

If you are like me and ever stayed home from school or work during the nineties and flipped past QVC you saw their show about Bare Escentuals. The commercial made all sorts of wondrous promises of great makeup and better skin and perhaps handsome nude men come to your house each morning to airbrush this shit on or something. Of course I wanted to try but ordering makeup (especially expensive makeup) from QVC was sort of a hell no for me.

And I forgot all about the stuff until people starting writing about it. Sundry reviewed it and had amazing results. But BE seems to cause an internet war everytime some one reviews it. But my skin was all crazy from the hormones and my current makeup wasn't really working for me. So I got the starter kit, there are similar kits available at Sephora, Amazon and Ulta (seems like each kit offers a slightly different selection of products). I had a variety of gift card, discount, certificate thingys so I chose the Nordstrom kit. And I fucking LOVE it.

Sadly, no handsome men come over to apply it for me but other than that it is just about perfect. The foundation gives excellent coverage with no caking, the "mineral veil" is a lovely fine powder that sinks beautifully into the skin, the "warmth" (which BE's site swears is not a bronzer but I am totally using as a bronzer and also as an eyeshadow) works beautifully when layered with a peachy blush and the brushes are lovely. The "skin rever upper" is a nice light moisturizer, too light for me during winter but I am guessing that it will work nice in the summer. "Clear Radiance" is supposed to be a highlighter which seems useless to me. Maybe because I am pretty anti-shimmer.

Overall this stuff is amazing, my skin looks great, I don't look overly made up, it doesn't make me feel greasy or dry, it doesn't cake and it stays on all day. My guess from the battles on the internet about this stuff center from a couple of core issues. One, there is an ingredient bismuth oxide which some people have an allergy to. The reaction seems to be itching and dryness and redness. If you have that reaction you are just not going to like these products. Two, if you are into certain makeup applications you might not like it. It's really light, it is just a brush on product so if you are set with your sponges or liquids it just might not be for you.

If you don't love what you are using I do recommend the Bare Escentuals, but purchase it somewhere with a great return policy so if you hate it you can return it.
***
Because I am all about product reviews tonight, Burt's Bees lipbalm seems to be an internet favorite. So when I lost my Kiehl's and could only run to the drugstore I thought I would give it a try. And I thought it sucked. I could see why if you are comparing it to chapstick or Carmex how it might be an improvement. But the moisturizing effect doesn't seem to last. And the peppermint is irritating on the lips (plus I don't really want minty lips). I am trying to come up with a way to pawn it off to J so I can replace it with the Kiehl's. So the internet is not always right!
***
Lastly, the girls at Makeup Alley (which those girls are lovely but freak me OUT) recommend a aspirin mask. As a PSA, if you are allergic to aspirin this is not for you. But disolve four or five uncoated plain aspirin (pure aspirin not Excedrin) in a few drops of warm water and mix with a couple of drops of facial cleanser (they also recommended honey instead of cleanser but I haven't tried it) to make a paste. Apply as a mask and leave on for 25 minutes and rinse (and moisturize!). There is an acid in the aspirin that exfoiliates the face and gives you a lovely smooth finish. Gorgeous and for pennies!

Ah, thank God Al Gore invented the internet.

Lucky Every Day

Yesterday was our sixth wedding anniversary. We didn't celebrate it in the most romantic of ways--we went shopping for a sofa, watched a George Lucas special on the history channel and then watched Return of the Jedi on my new TV. We didn't even eat dinner but gerryrigged a meal that involved many kinds of snack foods. It is the kind of day that no bride dreams of but was the perfect day for us. It's the kind of day you spend with some one when you just enjoy their company and don't much care what you do. You just want to be with them.

The past year has been the hardest of our marriage. It had some really great moments--some AMAZING times, but it was incredibly hard on both of us. In some ways I feel like it made us closer, bound us even tighter together. I feel no need to be bound any tighter so no dead babies in 2007.

I think about the people we were that day in 2001 and in the months leading up to it. I do not know what possessed us to get married then. I know that it was illogical and unreasonable and so very fucking stupid. And I am so glad I did it. I feel lucky every day.

Getting Back

That WHOO you heard at 4:15 Pacific Standard Time? The one that sounded like it was 1989 and I was at a New Kid's concert and Jordan Knight just ripped off his shirt? That was me. In a bathroom stall at work. I got my period today.

Since most people don't cheer like that in the bathroom it was a damn good thing the gal next to me laughed and didn't call the police. It has been since October since I had a period, and while I was pregnant for a big portion of that, it was time.

I've noticed the last few weeks (when I wasn't dying of the plague) that I have been coming back a bit. I enjoy my job more (when people are not assholes which . . .). I got my eyebrows waxed (which also since October and DAYAM), I scheduled a haircut (the pyramid of doom is in full effect and I think small children are afraid of my hair). I even bought new clothes today because there is just no reason to look like shit.

I am not the same person I was before. I am not going to be a mom this summer. But I am putting one foot in front of the other, I am going out and enjoying myself, I am going to stop looking like a yeti. The alternative is to become some one I really do not want to be. That I wouldn't want J to be married to. That I wouldn't want my friends and family to know.

Of course the person they do know just had a teen idol moment over her period but they are used to that.

Our Anniversary Isn't For A Week But He Might Have Gotten A Little Early Tail

I have to give J credit. He is one sneaky motherfucker.

I hadn't seen my mother in almost two months. I usually see her weekly, but I had a miscarriage and didn't want to see anyone, then she got sick, then I went to New York and she got sick again, then I got sick and now she is sick again but it had been two months so she wanted to come up and go shopping for a new outfit for Easter.

We went shopping and the poor dear was dragging. She is obviously still sick, and I am worried. But we did find her some cute things and it was a nice day. And she perked up enough that she wanted to go our favorite burger place for lunch. I figured they would just leave after but my dad said he left some tools at my house and wanted to come back to get them.

The boys had not been cleaning up branches at my house like they said they were. I mean they did that, but the main purpose was a surprise for me. And I had NO IDEA.

J has never kept a secret from me before. He plans big surprises and then blurts them out or I find out accidentally. He just gets excited, he wants to tell me about these incredible things he plans for me. But this time he had me fooled.

My mother was sick as hell but had an important role to play. She had to get me out of the house for a couple of hours while Comcast came out and hooked up HD in my bedroom for my new flat screen television HANGING ABOVE MY DRESSER.

I imagine some women would be less than thrilled with a television--it doesn't seem so romantic. But J knows that I have missed having a tv in our room since we moved here. Especially when I was sick, I just didn't want to get out of bed. But J really didn't want one, he thinks it takes up too much space and is a focus. But he knew I wanted one, and bought me this gorgeous thing that allowed me to see every fucking pore on Harrison Ford's face when I watched The Empire Strikes Back this morning (trivia that is meaningless to everyone, this is J's favorite Star Wars movie and I have come to like it because truly it is when Harrison is at his most dreamy).

There are about eight-seven reasons this present is amazing. From him getting e something I didn't even realize I wanted. From keeping it a secret while torturing me with hints. To the logistics of it all--get my parents to conspire, scheduling Comcast, ordering the tv (which he even got a BARGAIN on). That is some serious thoughtful shit.

As a side note, I nearly passed out watching Iron Chef America Battle Chocolate today. Goddamn.

He is a dreamboat that husband of mine.

Train Damaged

I fell off the train today.

I should end this post right there. That has real drama and potential. I could have been shoved off the train by a hit man. I could have been fleeing a maniac terrorizing me with those flavored Oreos (like the minty ones) I feel very strongly that Oreos come in regular and double stuffed and that is that.

Sadly (well I suppose there was no Orea terrorist and that is a good thing) it was nothing so interesting. My heel got caught on the step and I crashed onto the steps flat on my damn face. My legs had just healed from being all mangled the night I got smashed on limoncello martinis and fell on my bathtub. My knees are all jacked up now and I am all swollen and limpy. DAMN ME TO HELL. At least my pants didn't rip. I think I would have walked (ok hobbled) up the stairs and got on a bus home.

Instead I self-medicated with a cheesy egg and bacon croissant.

Since I am sure y'all find my tales of commuting fascinating in every way, on the way home these kids get on (which is unusual, it's all boring commuters normally) and they are punked out in a very Hot Topic kind of way. I sort of chuckled because these kids are so suburban it just steams off of them but I also admired that they were freaking out all of the commuters. There were so many looks amongst the passengers about the hooligans on the train. But then they just kept running around and being loud and I don't know acting like teenagers and I found myself all "You damn kids, stay off my LAWN and keep it down!"

I'm an old lady.

But then one of them tried to look down my shirt which in a weird way cheered me up. I shouldn't analyze this too much.

But three day weekend! Free hockey tickets, shopping with my mom and a day to sleep on Monday. Most excellent indeed.

Most Boring Couple EVER

I really want to leave y'all with the impression I didn't post last night because J and I were having wild married Valentine's Day sex (because if you are reading here you already know we were not being crazy romantic) but sadly no (oh well, I mean at least not the wild part heh). I was working. I have been working late for weeks now, and that being coupled with being sick has made me the dullest person imaginable.

As you might as imagine, J and I are not really Valentine's Day people. It is just ten days before our anniversary, which is a more personal day to celebrate. We give each other cards, which is plenty (as an aside, does anyone else feel like they are signing a yearbook when they write a card, I never want to just sign it so I have to write a little something and next thing you know I am practically dragging out the "have a great summer! stay sweet!" like it is seventh grade). In fact the one thing that J could do to disappoint me is bring home a dozen roses.

I know some women just love roses and practically demand them, but to me it screams impersonal and a total cop-out. If that is your favorite flower that is one thing but to me if you want to send flowers you find out the what the person really loves and get that. If that is carnations then that is romantic, roses as a default selection is just sort of lame. I am sure the tradition began when roses were rare and special but I swear, a token of love that can be purchased at QFC for 9.99 is nothing I care to receive (wow that sounds snobby). BUT EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. Let me say that J getting me flowers would be a "shut up" gesture, not a sign of undying devotion. I am sure there are men that are just driven to buy these flowers and that is great.

J made dinner last night, I doubt really as a gesture but more because I was late as fuck and the poor dear just wanted to eat.

Who said married life isn't WILD?

He has been taunting me with hints about my anniversary gift--which is his first successful (so far!) surprise for me ever. I found a great gift for him too but he is not searching for hints. DAMN HIM and his patience!

Pop Quiz

1. If you were in a meeting at work with some one who is not exactly your boss but could definitely mow your ass down should she choose to decides to share that she is internet dating as her New Year's Resolution and put that she is overweight in her profile because she "is tired of all the fucking bullshit about being fat," do you:
a. Insist that she isn't overweight at all and murmur something about how men are so shallow.
b. Holla "YOU GO GIRL!" at the top of your lungs.
c. Make wide eyes of FEAR at her assistant and consider crawling under the table.

2. You see a woman riding on a bicycle on a busy road with a toddler riding on the handle bars, neither of them are wearing a helmet. You:
a. Sing to yourself, "We're all different . . . " and try not to judge.
b. Grab your cellphone and call 911--this is a helmetless baby emergency!
c. Judge that woman so harshly that you bust a vein in your eyeball and now you look deranged.

3. Your boss brings by your yearly bonus figure, you:
a. Calmly thank her, you appreciate their acknowledgement of your hard work.
b. Start mentally spending the money, you hadn't given a thought to the figure.
c. Note the figure is the high one on your estimate which you have obsessed over for a couple of weeks, actually squeal "WHEEEEE" aloud and send your husband an email with eighty-seven exclamation points.

4. Your nose is running and you are trapped on the bus, you:
a. Blow it quietly and gently into the kleenex you always keep in your purse for just this occasion.
b. Hock it into a plastic baggie.
c. Tilt your head back until you cannot sniff the snot back into your face, and once it starts dripping just say fuck it and wipe it on your sleeve.

5. You didn't get anything out for dinner this morning and must scrounge together something for a meal, you:
a. Eat leftover stirfry with vegetables and rice.
b. Make a nice salad with cheese and tater tots--you like variety.
c. You make a meal of marshmallows, diet coke and cheese puffs.

If you answered mostly a's you are the kind of mature, professional person I should strive to become, if you answered mostly b's then you are the kind of free spirited person who doesn't over-think things too much I want to be and if you answered mostly c's you are totally fucking me and are headed to bed before 7 AGAIN.

When I Cough I Sound Like One Of Marge's Sisters From The Simpsons

Somewhere in NY or here at home I caught the Black Plague. This whole week has been spent hanging onto my shit just long enough to get home and have a meltdown for J. Three nights this week I went to bed at a time starting with 7, maybe once at :45 and maybe once at :30 and MAYBE JUST MAYBE at :15 one day. MAYBE. Wednesday I somehow found myself face down on the bathroom floor begging J to just let me sleep there as he tried to drag me off to bed. Just in case you were imagining that I was somehow spiraling into hysterics here.

This morning a new and DELIGHTFUL symptom emerged--explosive diarhea. I had to go to work, my business trip a couple of weeks ago led into a whole lot of stuff that needs to get done by next week, so I invented a new "please do not let me shit my pants" prayer (I'm not sure that God cares about pants shitting but just in case) with a whole lot of not really Hebrew but I am sure HE UNDERSTANDS. I don't know about your office but mine would never stop talking about that girl who shit her pants. I would be a legend.

Fortunately, I am not a legend.

I made it through the day, just barely. Got shit DONE. Which thank god because I am not doing anything this weekend except lying on the coach and moaning. I live a rock star life I know.

I am enjoying all the personal space I am getting on public transportation--if you sound like you are inches from death then no one wants to sit next to you. Cannot imagine why. I feel a little guilty, being out and about, because I get so pissed when sick people go to work. But sometimes things can't be helped--the things I need to do I can't do from home. So I used like a boxed of Kleenex and a giant tub of Clorox wipes. Every hard surface I looked at got wiped down multiple times today.

Hopefully I won't pass this shit on.

Bitchy. Sorry

I stayed up a little later than I should have last night and was one pissed off missy this morning. I just woke up angry and it just downward spiraled from there. My hair was greasy (gee, maybe I should wash it more often), work shit just got messy, my train was delayed several times and I still haven't had dinner.

WOW. That was a long bitch.

So, all I have today is just of all the personal things that you could do on a bus (short of pulling out your tampon and handing it to the old lady next to you) CLIPPING YOUR TOENAILS IS UNACCEPTABLE.

Goddamn.

He Was Made Up Like A Seventh Grade Hussy

The Super Bowl was really fucking fun. Lots of opportunities to heckle Rex Grossman (a serious conversation about calling my sister and singing "Rocky Top" to celebrate the fall of the Gator and rise of Peyton Manning). We were having a blast with the Colts win.

And Tony Dungy, who I really like, ruined it a bit for me. He said something after the game about people should admire him and Lovie Smith because they were "Christian coaches."

I understand what he meant, sort of, but I think after all the religious scandals and hypocrisy and ugliness of the last few years that we can all agree that Christian does not equal good. It doesn't equal bad, that isn't what I am saying, but there is something sanctimonious and rude about saying that you deserve to win the Superbowl because you are Christian (so other coaches are not good people? Muslims and Buddhists shouldn't win?).

GOD DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THE SUPERBOWL.

I'm sure you are a lovely man Tony Dungy. BUT SHUT UP.

And also, please Steve Young, a little less eyeliner next year.

Of Course I Am Still Elevating My Feet Because DAYAM

Yesterday we drove to Portland to watch Everclear at the Crystal. I'm not really big on concerts (I used to date a real dick and we went to concerts all the time, and in my brain those experiences are intertwined and BAH) but I actually really like Everclear and it sounded like a fun show (such a small venue).

We decided to make a mini-trip of it. Neither of us went to work yesterday, we dumped the dogs with my parents and scooted to Portland. We met our friend T and his friend (lets call her Perky because DAMN SHE IS PERKY). The two are not dating my Perky really fucking likes T and it is sort of sad. Not because she shouldn't like him, naturally we think T is wonderful, but that he just sort of leads her on because he is too nice. At any rate, we like Perky but damn those two are awkward to be around.

But a lovely hotel room in downtown Portland (king bed! we need a bigger bedroom because I ADORE the king bed), a nice dinner (with booze, we love booze) and then the concert. That ballroom is really a cool setup. Very intimate. But the signs everywhere detailing their policy on moshing and crowd surfing (that is: DON'T or you will be removed and possibly hobbled) were sort of alarming because they seemed to be inspired by construction restraints. That was made pretty clear because when people moved around the floor SWAYED. I have to admit, during the first song by Everclear when he urged the crowd to jump I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. The floor bounced and I thought, "we're all going to die, my parents are going to see this on the news, damn the poor dogs are going to be pissed." But I think they pretty much have figured out that floor can handle five hundred jumping people but NOT five hundred and one.

Was a great show, the opening bands were great, the crowd was largely great (except the fucking couple in front of us that I almost got into a fist fight with, I settled on "accidentally" shoving them repeatedly after they kept throwing elbows and hitting me in the face) and we had a blast. I mean my feet were SO swollen when we got bad to the hotel but that seemed like a small price to pay.

And tomorrow is the Superbowl. Hell of a weekend!

Diet Coke

I gave up regular soda recently. Not willingly. Not merrily. But after a long consultation with my teeth I had to give up the sweet sweet nectar. I would do this for no reason but my teeth, my ass can get as wide as the Grand Canyon and no worries but I don't want my teeth to fall out.

The funny thing is that once I switched to diet people felt compelled to comment on it. Rush to assure me that they were so relieved and that I am doing the right thing. Apparently regular Coke is the same thing as snorting coke off of hookers and I was doing it at WORK. I hate to break it to everyone: I do not give a shit about your concern. There is no enamel on my teeth (I was born without it), drinking soda is like dipping them in acid. My dentist assures me that diet is better (though he tried to sell me on no carbonated beverage thing but ah NO) and so diet it is. I don't smoke anymore. THIS IS ALL I HAVE LEFT PEOPLE.

Of course a couple days later some one is trying to get me to drink Vitamin water instead because diet soda is all chemicals and blah blah blah. No shit it is all chemicals. That is why I like it. And that Vitamin water shit is fucking expensive. IT IS WATER. Have a Flinstones chewable and chug some tap water and move on dude.

I hate the sanctimony of people's diet choices. I think it is really fabulous if you only eat organic or natural or whole wheat bat blood or WHATEVER the trendy thing is right now. I bet that works for you. But please, for the love of god, stop nattering to me about how what I am eating will kill me and all who gaze upon me.

That only makes me guzzle another Diet Coke.

Many Different Things

Last night J and I were watching Number 8 on America's Game (I weep for those of you without the NFL Network) when I fell asleep. I am fairly certain that this dooms my attempt to be admitted into the J's Arbitrary Club of 49ers Fans for yet another season (PLEEAAAASE LET ME IN . . .I HAVE A JERSEY), I mean I can't remember the difference between the 1984 team and the 89 team and seriously, it is a wonder he lets me live in this house. And I fell asleep.

I expect to get the divorce papers served sometime tomorrow. He will repent, of course, because he needs me to get bank charges reversed and to teach him about hair products. I will get a shiny gift to beg my forgiveness or perhaps he will catch the messenger just before the papers are served.

Either way if I could just keep my fucking eyes open things would be so much better.
***
Anyone else ever see like a random can or bottle chilling on the street (especially in a bag) and think (nervously) that maybe Ted Kazinsky isn't really the Unabomber or had an apprentice and schrapnel is going everywhere the second some one tries to pick up that litter?

Just me? Ok.
***
I have no short term memory to speak of, absolutely none, and have all these coping techniques so that I don't get fired or lost or locked away in a loony bin (though sometimes getting locked away is tempting--not that those places are restful but I could probably use a break). Sadly, this means that I attend meetings with stacks of paper and take notes with a fervor associated with the worst kinds of freaks and brown nosers. This makes people either paranoid that I am trying to trap them or bemused at what an ass kiss I am. I wish I could hand out little cards with a printed message on them, something like "Notes are being taken of this meeting because AB cannot remember her own name without looking at her driver's license and she is presumably attending this meeting so she can contribute in some way," but I am thinking that would harm my credibility somehow.

All this note taking makes me feel like I am going to be taking an exam at some point and need to ruthlessly study.

Which I would totally fail by the way because I am watching back episodes of Mythbusters.
***
J and I have decided that with everything that has happened we deserve a fancy vacation this spring. Does anyone know anything about cruises? Good, no good? Where should we go? HELP ME WE DON'T ACTUALLY TAKE VACATIONS.

Frightened

My father's cousin is dying. He was having severe pain in his shoulder and they found a huge cancerous mass in it--along with cancer in his bones and lungs. Of course he is seeking a second opinion and treatment but the initial estimate is he has less than six months to live. He is in his early forties, has young children and is the backbone of his father's business. So now there is a panic mode to get his affairs in order, sell the business, find care for his parents.

There are so many kids in that family I don't know the man very well, and he is so much younger than my dad I doubt my dad feels particularly close with him either. The problem is that this is how it goes in my family. Everyone eventually gets cancer, many survive their first and even second bout with it, but in the end that is what we die of. Literally, I am not sure I can think of anyone in the family that has died of anything else.

The truth is, in a fucked up and morbid way, barring a horrifying accident I will probably die of cancer. It is bizarre to think about your body as a time bomb--the disease is there just waiting to bloom. The only cancer we had largely escaped was breast cancer. But my baby cousin has a lump on her breast, which scares me almost disproportionately. Chances are it is just a fibroid, she is only twenty-one, but I am alarmed by even the thought.

I know that my family is not unique. That this disease has ruined many families just as it is killing mine. But I am still heartbroken. And afraid. I don't know how I can help but be afraid.

Two Times A Year Is More Than Enough

The end of the week was long as fuck. I was just so burnt and fried that going into the office Friday felt like torture. And then last night I had the brilliant idea of drinking a gallon-sized limoncello martini on an empty stomach.

Sometimes I wonder if I am brain damaged.

At least I entertained J, until I passed out in the bathroom. In all my idiocy in college I don't think I ever blacked out but I honestly don't remember much of last night.

FOOL. If limoncello can take down Danny Devito on the View what makes me think I can handle it?

I learned a lot of shit in NY. First, the dryness made my hair look FABULOUS which is the opposite of what I expected. The humidity here in Seattle makes my roots greasy so I can't go too long between shampoos. I think if I lived in a dry climate like that I could go three or four days easy. Second, my skin fucking hates New York. Somehow it was dry and scaly but still breaking out which would sound impossible and yet somehow I managed it. Add the lack of sleep and the seriously bad for me food I was eating and I am surprised that J kissed me when I got back into down. Third, I learned people act like they have been let out of prison on business trips. Something I still do not understand. Did they not attend high school? Do they not realize that the whole damn company is going to know that they got drunk at dinner and finished the night off wrestling in the street? There is gin in Seattle dude, drink your G&Ts here. Fourth, I am an idiot business trip packer. This was my frist trip so maybe I can be forgiven for that but WHY DO I NOT OWN PANTS THAT ARE WEARABLE WITH FLATS? Walking over all of creation in high heeled shoes (even comfortable ones) is just stupid. My feet swelled up like little sausages and I have many mysterious bruises.

I'm glad to be home, still exhausted, and am very glad I don't have to go again until July.

Three Days Is Plenty

I'm leaving for the airport in about five hours and FUCK I need to go to sleep. Three days in the city and it has been all working and eating and more working.

Tonight we finally got to have a little relaxation and went to the Knick's game. They faked it a while, and stayed with the Suns. But eventually you could see what all the sports guys have been saying all along. Fucking ridiculous how shitty they play with as good as they could be.

The real show wasn't happening on the court though. We had cheap seats (well, New York cheap seats, still seventy bucks) and it was practically the bleachers at Yankee Stadium. This couple in front of us were cheering for the Sun's and when they bitched about the hard time the guys in their section were giving them they basically got told they were lucky that the entire Garden wasn't chanting "You Suck" at them. For the most part it was all good natured and a great example of what is so interesting about New Yorkers.

I don't actually think they are any more rude or agressive than anyone else. There are rude people everywhere. I think that New Yorkers are just less self-concious then the rest of the world. I think it is almost impossible to do something unusual here so people just say whatever they think no matter what anyone might think of them. Seattle is just self-concious city. New Yorkers just don't give a shit.

I'm still ready to go home though. Too bad we couldn't take a later flight.

Alarming Things From Today

1. Looking up my nose in the giant magnifying mirror in my hotel bathroom. WHEN DID I GET NOSE HAIR?

2. The gigantic veal chop I ate, fried, preceded by many appetizers, followed my desserts and booze, at like ten at night.

3. Getting up at six this morning. GODDAMN.

4. Running around to meetings all day (talking to strangers like an adult!) and then having to stand in line for a cab for eighty-seven days.

5. That H&M is not cute, no matter how it was billed.

6. That I have been in New York for more than 24 hours and have taken zero photos. And I am not sure I will get to do so.

7. Mariah Carey's ex-husband watching our dinner party in horror and actually having the concern that WE ARE GOING TO GET THROWN OUT IN FRONT OF TOMMY MOTTOLA (we weren't through the miracle of a waiter that didn't speak English and a HUGE tab).

My Sinuses Still Hurt Like A Mother

I feel like a wrung out dishrag right now.

A cross-country flight when you have a sinus headache is like a Senate session in hell. Fortunately, our flight was under-booked so it wasn't sardine packed. By the time we landed I was almost a basket case my head hurt so much, but of course I want to seem professional so I kept trying to pretend I was fine.

J would be so proud because I sacked up and went to dinner anyway. He was right, I am totally a pussy and will skip events at the slightest provocation. But I went anyway and I am so glad I did. The guacamole alone was worth going (though at thirty bucks I am glad I didn't have to pay for it). But I knew the networking was important and it was important to go. Plus, I found the company delightful since it was with three gay men and a bunch of single girls. This means the talk was all gossip and home decorating and dog pictures.

Plus I got back to watch the most stressful ten minutes of football EVER. THANK GOD THAT THE PATRIOTS LOST.

I do not want to hear SHIT about Peyton Manning ever again.

I am a little in love with my hotel room, even though it is a little shoe box. It has a king sized bed and a down comforter and I don't have to share any of it with a dachshund.

Tomorrow is going to be a long ass day.

But it is a long ass day that does not have to deal with a Patriots/Bears Super Bowl (which is unwatchable as far as I am concerned).

Where Did I Put The Goddamn CHARGER

I need to leave my house at like 5:15 tomorrow and I am still not done packing. I'm still debating on whether to take the laptop or not and I cannot find the battery charger for my camera battery. J is sick so it has just been a rough day all around.

All week people have expected me to be excited about this trip. One, it is for work, so I do not understand this idea that it will be a party a minute. I know people do crazy things on work trips but I am still proving myself so I have no desire at all to get drunk with people I have to work with. Two, I am almost terminally shy. So spending five days with people I don't know that well and also my boss is like a nightmare for me. This is my mental illness I am well aware.

My big goal is to have good meetings and not make an ass of myself. The little ones are to get to spend a couple of hours at the Met, take pictures all over the city and eat some really good Chinese.

Well see how it goes.

Crabby Old Bitch Before My Time

Things that I am letting irritate me, probably a wee bit overly much:

1. The kids from Greenpeace that practically assault you on the street during lunch, who may shove their self-righteousness up . . . well you see my point.

2. The woman doing LAMAZE breathing while shitting in the bathroom at work today. We've all done it in our less delicate moments but goddamn try not to do it when other's are in the room.

3. Every single person on Top Chef--every contestant is an asshole and the host a robot and DAMN.

4. This zit that keeps re-appearing at the corner of my mouth.

5. The fact that no stores have boots left in stock in my size that are not fugly or stupid and yes I know the retail calendar has flipped and everything is sandals but I WANT NEW BOOTS.

6. All the lightbulbs in my house seem to be burning out. Of course, maybe that means we should REPLACE THEM.

7. New York was seventy degrees until a couple of weeks ago. Now that I am headed there this weekend it is like twenty degrees.

Perhaps I need to sack up and stop being so pissy. But I doubt it.

Bueller?

Anyone else ever take a shit and see corn it and think, "Wait a minute, when the fuck was the last time I ate corn?"

Anyone? Anyone? . . .

Pro-Toolbelt

Every cheesy single-gal in the city article I have read mentions the grocery store as a place to pick up men. And since I have not really ever been in that demographic (yes I was single, but I wasn't ever trying to pick up a guy) I never paid much attention to it (except I used to have this produce man who gave me free stuff but I don't think that is exactly the same thing). My single friends bitched that they never met anyone anywhere.

But yesterday, before the game, I was at the grocery store stocking up on garlic bread and Doritos (ok gross, not to be eaten together) when a man starts talking to me about the game. We're strolling the aisles and chatting about whether a ten am start means it is too early for beer and hotdogs (no, but you can always have a bloody mary which makes it brunch). And he blurts out, "Do you want to watch the game with me? I mean, you don't have to come to my house, we could go to the bar and watch?"

Apparently I am oblivious, because I really didn't think the dude was picking me up until then.

But J should feel fortunate I just thanked the man and went out to the car. I mean he was cute and wearing a toolbelt and I believe my position on toolbelts is well documented (new readers: I am pro-toolbelt).

Damn fortunate because I did check out his ass as he left and DAYAM.

Probably Like Ten

Well, after a lovely football day yesterday (Saints and Colts winning) today just went to shit. The Chargers collapsed and the Seahawks kept up (amazingly because damn is anyone NOT injured) but couldn't seal the deal. We watched it at Travis' house and have now decided that it is a jinx and NEVER AGAIN.

A friend of ours was there, one that I haven't seen in months. J had told him I was pregnant and earlier this week I asked if he had told him I wasn't anymore. Just because I didn't want him to say something. And J assured me he had.

He didn't. And our friend naturally assumed I was still pregnant, which damn I would look DAMN good for this stage of the game.

I sort of hate J for it. He has handled so much of this perfectly and damn this is unfair but not only did he lie (which I actually understand) but he failed to do the follow up to the lie which is rushing to tell the guy so that you don't get caught.

I shouldn't hate him, he does his best.

But I do a bit. Just for a few more minutes.

Could More Shitty Things Happen? PLEASE SAY NO

I don't trust people who don't like animals, who don't have pets. I am not talking about those with allergies, or those who travel too much, but I'm talking about those people who wrinkle their noses and roll their eyes when they hear stories about dogs and cats.

I am pretty sure that pets are part of what make us human. There is no real reason to love a dog or a cat, but because we care for them and they need us, we do.

This is Gabriel, my sister's cat. Who died early this morning. Gabe was my sister's main companion for a decade. When he was a kitten he was diagnosed with some sort of disease and my sister was told he wouldn't live to be an adult. She did what anyone not made of stone would do, she spoiled him rotten. Gabe has been notorious forever in my family not only for mysteriously living with this terminal disease but also for being the fattest cat to ever walk the earth. I never saw him run as much waddle and I swear books rattled in the cases when he waddled by.

But he had an incredible personality and he took damn good care of my sister. He, and the other's she has collected, were her family away from family until she got married (not that they aren't a big part of her new family as well). And I know that she is as devestated as she would be to lose any member of her family.

There are people who will roll their eye's at this, he was just a cat they might say. Those people shall be stoned on the street because they are fucking assholes.

Gabe was a sick cat, my sister had no illusions that this day was coming and was coming fast. But I am sure she couldn't help but be suprised. I am so sad for her.

And continue to be in denial about my own animals WHO ARE IMMORTAL LALALALALALALA.

I'm sorry honey, I really am.

Update

The wind in the storm never showed up (thankfully) and the eight inches of snow was actually like four at around four this morning. But when I woke up it was really coming down and all the forecasts were wildly divergent with one saying that it would all melt by 10am and another saying that the roads would be frozen solid by noon, and yet another saying that there would be more snow but to worry because leprechauns would melt it off using their hot breath and a hopping motion. I felt a little stupid most of the day staying home but since buckets of snow are now coming down and people are starting to crash their cars all over the damn roads I am delighted to be at home.

Things I have learned working from home today:

1. My couch is no the most ergonomic of working stations.
2. Tedious tasks, like running reports, are made much more palatable if you turn on Iron Chef America.
3. I get a lot more work done with DelSelva not sitting at my dining room table.
4. My cat hates snow. And the the cold. And possible me.
5. Sweatpants, chips and dip, and a warm dachshund would do wonders for office morale.

My house didn't fall down, or even teeter in the winds, I didn't have get in a horrifying bus crash this morning and actually I am even comfortable in my nice warm blanket. I suppose there is no need to worry about me any more.

Not Too Much More

Some one I work with announced she is pregnant today. She has the due date I would have had.

I am actually shocked by my reaction, which is equal parts excitement for her and a biting sort of sadness that I can't explain. The two emotions together make me a little dizzy.

I guess I have been in denial, thinking that I had accepted things and was moving on. I haven't exactly. We had our follow-up with the doctor, the biggest waste of time ever, to be told that there is nothing we could have done, or can do and better luck next time. It was eighty-seven thousand kinds of unhelpful--mainly because it seemed to be aimed at some one who only gets their information from doctors. But in this day and age, who wouldn't be googling the fuck out of their diagnosis? I mean, if you hemorrhage out of your cooch you should at least hit wikipedia later.

We're supposed to have some sort of crazy-ass end of days storm tonight, J and I have the pleasure of living in a zone that is set to get both seventy mile an hour winds and eight inches of snow so if y'all don't hear from me for a while it is because that tree fell through my living room and we have no power. If that happens it could be a long while before anyone hears from me.

I just don't think I can take much more.

Update

I hate to be a bitch but I wonder HOW MUCH Ohio State regrets playing the theme from Titanic at halftime since they are currently sinking like a doomed ocean liner?

I Wonder If My Sister Is Drunk Right Now

My sister attended the University of Florida and still lives in Gainesville. I can only imagine the freaking out that is happening at this moment since they are kicking the absolute shit out of Ohio (33-14 as of right now). Best part of the game (other than all the anouncers having to already eat shit since they were talking about how Florida had no shot all week)? Shots of the crowd, the Florida fans jumping up and down about to lose their minds they are so excited and the Ohio fans looking for the nearest noose to start hanging themselves from.

I'm not a real college football fan but this is fucking fun.

Lucky

Friday night I had a migraine and took a vicodin so I could just sleep. So I was confused when J stormed into our bedroom around midnight carrying every blanket we own. The power was out and since we keep our heat at around sixty degrees the house was going to get very cold should it stay out for any length of time. The wind was howling, much harder and louder than it did during the huge windstorm a few weeks ago. I had just awakened enough to understand what was happening when we heard a loud crash.

A huge limb from our tree in the front yard had come down into our front yard. More amazing, the wind blew hard enough that it cleared my car that was just below it, but not so hard that it hit the house. It landed so that the smallest branches off of it hit J's car--but did not do any damage.

I am not sure how we got so lucky.

J had to lean on the front door in order to close it the wind was still blowing so hard. We spent the rest of the night lying and freaking out because there were a lot of trees still out there and really who wants a fir tree in their bedroom?

But our luck held and the power came back on yesterday before noon. We spent this afternoon chopping up the HUGE limb in our yard. Strangely theraputic.

Catching Up

A few things:

1. I have this horrible and hated Shania Twain song in my head, but instead of singing the lyrics I met a tall, dark, handsome man . . . to myself I keep belting out I met a hard, dark, handsome man . . .which is also a lovely thing but slightly dirtier.

2. My parents keep calling me to tell me my cousins' grandmother died. Don't get me wrong, I am sure my cousins are sad about it and I didn't want the woman dead (I am sure I met her, but I am guessing I was an infant at the time--hell I haven't seen my cousins in at least ten years) but this isn't exactly an occasion that requires repeated (because they can't remember if they have told me or not) and grave phone calls. REALLY I AM ALRIGHT THAT THIS TOTAL STRANGER DIED OF BASICALLY OLD AGE.

3. J found our marriage certificate and cache of other important papers that we lost when we moved to this house. In the file box that we KNEW they were in and searched repeatedly over and over for the past year and a half saying "fuck fuck FUCK" while doing it. I KNEW THEY WERE IN THERE. So, we're still married.

4. I looked up "ramrod" on wikipedia today at work and worried more than a little that I was going to get a visit from IT. Why did I assume everyone in the world would be like me and put a porny definition in there?

5. J's knee keeps giving out. I think my jokes about him being held together with duct tape and superglue are less funny now that they are essentially true.

And I Have No Idea What That Means

Last night I had the most depressing New Year's ever. I spent it with my parents, as I sent J on his way with his buddies for our previously planned concert/boozing/extravaganza. I don't regret doing that because I think he desperately needed to be out and forgetting for a while.

I didn't want to be there, I wanted to be home. I wasn't sick but I was being treated that way. I was lonely in a way that I think most people would not understand. I'm not pregnant anymore, I'm not waiting for the time bomb anymore. That means I have to fucking deal with this huh?

I am really tired of a few things. I am tired of annoying and judgmental people (even those who are friends) who don't know a damn thing about marriage trying to decide if we behave in a way that they think is appropriate for a married couple. Just so EVERYONE KNOWS, my husband can go out without me, he can have drinks and flirt with chicks, he can even have DINNER with chicks for all I care. If he isn't making out, he is fucking anyone than great. Dude has had a traumatic couple of weeks maybe y'all could get off his back for a bit?

The truth is that I had it easy. The scary part for me was hemorrhaging at home, trying to decide how much was too much, being alone and afraid. But once I decided, once I went to the hospital, I knew I would be fine. But for J, it got a lot scarier at the hospital. I bled so much, I was so sick, I was in labor with a dead baby and well he was a little concerned about what that was going to do to me (understandably).

And on the way home, while I was still doped up, we both realized (with a shudder of fear) that if John Ashcroft had gotten his way we would have been on our way to the police station to REPORT OUR MISCARRIAGE. Anyone who still votes Republican think about what making two people who had just been through that report it all to the police means and what that would do. And then fuck yourselves, because maybe nothing will ever get through to you.

So J had a great New Year's, which he needed, and I made it through, which is the best I could hope for. And now it is 2007.

I Know Technically It Is Tomorrow

I thought that I was home free and took DelSelva to the Nordstrom Rack to get him some shoes this morning. He pulled an Imelda and bought eight million pairs and I re-enacted Carrie in the bathroom.

Several hours, three clots the size of my fists and a trip to the ER later I have am now not miscarrying anymore. The hospital staff was a delight, DelSelva was a champ and of course my husband rules the world. I am so glad that it is over and have never had a more frightening day. Until you have filled multiple toilets with blood and clots in an hour you have couldn't understand. I was so scared and I knew what was happening--anyone who this happens to as a surprise deserves six months in Bermuda to recover.

I will be alright. The worst is definitely over now. Once you have an OB who is giving you a pelvic exam say, "oh crap, well I am glad I wore my SHOE COVERS" you have hit bottom.

Happy FUCKING NEW YEAR.

Still Here

I think the worst is over. It better be. The past two days have been me trying to fake feeling fine (failing miserably) and wanting to cry. I think I cursed myself 94,000 times for not just having the damn D&C because it sucks and it's still happening.

Thanks to everyone for their good thoughts, I am just trying to get through this and they really do help.

At least my tight jeans fit again. As do my regular bras. Amazing how that fucking works.

Time Bomb

Last week I was making all decisions based on what would be most likely to allow me to hold my shit together. I had a mixed success (only my boss at work knows what has happened but everyone keeps staring at me like I might start bawling and pull out a gun) and am just now sort of starting to feel much of anything (I mean besides the grief emotions and RAGE).

One of those decisions I made was to miscarry at home, I just couldn't face the surgery (even though I know it is so minor and BAH). Sometime Sunday I started questioning this, because it could take four weeks and damn it sucks having a ticking time bomb in your abdomen. So I put myself on a shortened timeline. Of course I have had cramps for three days and nothing doing (some blood today--sorry! GRAPHIC! Delicate people should come back later) so who knows how long this will take.

The doctor recommends using pads, no tampons, and while it took me a minute to figure out what he was talking about I did manage to drag myself to the drugstore to buy some after work. I haven't used a pad since about eighth grade (and somewhere on the internet lives the story of once I got a tampon stuck in my vagina yay me I am smart so look back for that treasure) because they are horrible. But somehow I sorted through the eighty-seven THOUSAND options and bought something. Resentfully. I don't see why I should have to PAY MONEY to bleed out my baby (wow, not doing as well as I thought, sorry for the bitter spurt).

Uncle Chris (ok funny story first, so I get home tonight and his dopp kit is on the back of the toilet. And no shit I could have SWORN his toothbrush holder was a little gray dildo and I was thinking HUH I mean I know this is his vacation but WOW. But no, TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER not anal penetration device, though I suppose it could be multi-purpose) is here this week and J was asking me all about how I was feeling and I look at the poor guy and I think SHUT UP HONEY DON'T MAKE OUR FRIEND LISTEN TO THIS. Because seriously, let's just watch Ninja Warrior on TV and let me enjoy the ibuprofen ok? We'll talk about it later.

All along I thought I just wanted this to be over. It isn't over, and may not be for a while, but the truth is that isn't what I wanted after all. I want this to be a dream, I want to go back to a week ago when I was so happy. But when this part is over I think it will be better, I won't have a bomb in my belly anymore after all.

What It Feels Like

Like the sudden rush of shit to the heart that comes with that phone call you get early in the morning from your mom, the one that starts with "Sweetheart, I have something to tell you . . " but repeated over and over for days and days.

Like the worst loneliness you can imagine, even when you are lying in bed holding hands with your husband who feels exactly the same as you do.

Like you have disappointed everyone you know. If you are like me, and ordinary, you have made both of your parents proud to bursting maybe twice in your life. And mine were so happy they were telling grocery clerks and now it's over.

Like your head is going to burst with rage. Anyone who says "it's God's will," will get a sharp object shoved up their ass. If God doesn't want me to have a baby then God can fuck himself.

Like the nights last for years because you are not sleeping.

Like your heart has been worked over with a cheese grater.

Like nothing matters.

Like the next thing that will happen to you is 4300 people will hock loogies on you at once.

Like your eyes have sprung open to how many people have gone through this very thing.

I know that it will not always feel this way. That one day it will not be so raw. But I know that I will never be quite the same--I'll be like a zipper that got off track and now sticks in that one little place. I just compared myself with a zipper so it also feels like being a crazy person.

Summing Up the Day

The Good: Darla did great with her surgery today and is home in a drug-induced loopiness.

The Bad: Baby is dead.

The Indifferent: Darla pissed all over me in the car.

Devastated

We had an ultrasound today. Where there was a gestational sac but not an embryo. Which means we are much less far along then we thought or no embryo developed.

I'm not doing much but crying at this point.

I hope that we were just WRONG. But I am pretty much sure it is over. And I am not sure what I am going to do.

Aftermath

The aftermath of this windstorm keeps dragging on. While we lost power for only a couple of hours thousands of people are still without it and will be for another week. And it has been freezing tempratures all week. There are record numbers of cases of carbon monoxide poisoning in the hospitals from people bringing grills and other outdoor heating elements inside. Many of these people are immigrants from warm climates--ill equipped to deal with the cold and unable to read the warnings against indoor use on the equipment.

J and are so lucky to have had power (and cable and internet--we are the spoiled brats of the world our wireless didn't even go down). My parents had their's returned over the weekend. It would be such a nightmare to not be able to go home.

I am pretty sure that this will finally stop the Californians from moving here. J and I joke and moan all the time when they show beautiful footage of the city on television. That is two thousand more Californians. This is such a beautiful area but so FUCKING CROWDED we need the bad publicity.

I was KIDDING UNIVERSE, no need to make the volcano erupt now too. I think the snow storm, the horrible Kim tragedy, this wind storm and the continued smokage of Mt. St. Helens should scare of most people--they'll go to Colorado instead.

Besides, look at our serial killer list.

Failure

Everyone has certain foods that start their day off right. For some people that is the classic bacon and eggs, for others just coffee and maybe a pastry. I am not big on breakfast but I love an English muffin (crispy if possible) with peanut butter. That with a glass of milk is a breakfast I can handle any day--whether I feel like it or not.

Except today, when my standard, always-delicious breakfast failed me. MISERABLY. Full body Excorsist puking.

Let us forget today ever happened.

I just need to come up with a new fail-safe meal. DAMN IT

Helpful

So. This sucked.

Hurricane strength winds y'all. We have had the most fucked up winter ever with snow and ice storms and flooding and now this shit. This is SEATTLE. We are supposed to have the mildest climate this side of San Diego.

Fortunately, we at the AB house lost power very briefly and were up and running again. I don't think we ever lost cable. I even got to keep my doctor's appointment this morning.

Others are not so lucky, namely almost everyone we know. Including my parents. My mother and I were talking this morning and she said, "well we have battery powered nothing." So I think she spent the day (schools were closed because no power) checking papers at Starbucks and shopping for baby furniture (she has picked out $1500 worth, UM? MOM).

But we are fine. J is still at fucking work (he is now pathological and I've given up, he just likes to work all the damn time) and I am lying on the couch moaning. I am so sick today I can barely stand it but stand it I will because actually I have no choice.

But at least I can try not to barf while watching MTV's The Duel. I mean that does help.

MIGHTY

I'm a strong, tough MIGHTY woman.

J has a potluck tomorrow. He wanted me to make scalloped potatoes (one of many dishes that I hate that I make that I absolutely hate but is apparently delicious). I really hate scalloped potatoes. The smell of the cream sauce just turns my stomach under the best of circumstances.

I am still baking them right now.

AM SAINT.

I haven't puked once. NERVES OF STEEL.

Brings New Meaning To The Phrase No Tears

It seems most pregnancy books agree, to paraphrase, that eight weeks is when you lose your damn mind. I would like to say that I have a better control of my hormones, emotions and damn self than that but that would make me a liar. The week ended in dry heaves, and heavy sobbing and many many tears. I was so sick and dizzy and miserable and seemed to make it my mission to take poor J along with me.

So I would like to pretend that none of this happened.

Saturday we went to his company's Christmas Party (since they make no pretense that this is a "holiday" party I see no reason I should). Last week I sent J to work with instructions to find out what the girls at his office were wearing to the party and he came back with these vague instructions of, "whatever. . . some people wear jeans some people wear dresses," which is decidely NOT HELPFUL and not his fault but fuck ladies help a sister out. If I had realized exactly how much older most of the workers were than us I might have skewed it a little dressier but I didn't and we showed up in cute jeans and nice shirts.

And were the most casually dressed people there.

There were people in beaded tops and cocktail dresses for fuck's sake. Of course, the bright side in all of this is that I could still rock my designer jeans and there was no damn way I was wearing a cocktail dress. So at least I didn't know ahead of time that I could be having a wardrobe crisis. Also, my boobs looked enormous. Like, I wondered if they were a little much but since I have never really had big boobs before I just went for it.

We won a crockpot though. That was worth going for. And we are still sort of inappropriately excited about it.

Today was a much better day. No heaving. No dizziness. No tears. That is practically perfection.

Why Garrison Keillor Can Suck My Dick

This (you have to watch an ad to get a site pass to salon) pissed me off beyond belief. Garrison Keillor, of Prairie Home Companion, basically demands that all non-Christians start celebrating Christmas or shut the fuck up.

At first blush, it seems like a much milder idea. And if Keillor was merely objecting people who are offended by Christmas well then I take this all back. But since I've encountered this idea a lot, that everyone should celebrate Christmas DAMN IT because we are AMERICANS AND IT IS REQUIRED BY LAW, and because I have never actually met a person who is offended by Christmas (people keep claiming they exit but I swear they are like Big Foot). Look, if you tell me Merry Christmas I will say thank you. If you send me a Christmas card I will thank you for the warm wishes and accept it as a lovely token of the season. I don't care if people hang lights or sing carols.

What I object to, is the FORCED participation in Christmas. Christmas doesn't belong in schools and I don't care if it is Santa or Jesus it just doesn't. There are millions of people in the world that don't participate in the holiday and believe it or not many live here in the US and some attend your local elementary school. Santa bothers me less than the religious stuff, obviously, but there is still this idea that Christmas is NORMAL AND RIGHT and people who don't participate are deviant and we will allow them to sit in this corner and watch. It's fucked up. So just quit it. If you want your kid to be in a Nativity or sing Santa songs well that is what church and community groups are for. Suck it.

Beyond anything else I HATE that people honestly cannot understand why two practicing Jews don't do Christmas. I was raised a Christian, I am well aware of the secular aspects of the holiday. But I was brought up to believe that the reason for the season is the birth of Christ. That all of the joy and generosity that now stem from these traditions are inspired by this event. And I don't believe in Jesus. So it strikes me as horribly disrespectful to all Christians to do their holiday with less than a whole heart. That may not be true for your family, even if you are Jewish or atheist or Hindu or whatever. But it is true for mine.

The other side is that Christianity and Judaism are incompatible belief systems. You cannot believe both, I do not care what people say about Judeo-Christian beliefs. You just can't. And Christians have a long, sordid history of forcing Jews to participate in Christianity. So it is pretty fucking incredible that people expect it of us now. DEMAND it of us now without thinking of that. We celebrate the day with my family. We help them celebrate. That is a way that we feel comfortable with. Would everyone else (including my parents) be a lot happier if we got a tree and sent out cards and just conformed? Probably. But that really is bullshit. It's inappropriate and disrespectful and I am TIRED of being pushed on it.

When I was a child, I really felt the joy of the season. I didn't have the capacity to really feel all the spiritual things that are tied up in it but I have fantastic memories of those times. I do not have the ability to feel that way about Christmas anymore. And that is fine with me. And it should be fine with everyone else too. Maybe the reason they get so upset about our practices is that they find their own wanting.

On The Market

I went and got a haircut on Saturday.

Let us all clap and cheer that I don't look like a yeti anymore. It had been three months people, I had enough hair for us all.

I love my hairdresser because he is just the right proportion of paying attention and self-absorbed. And he is single so he always has drama to tell me about. Example. This week? His girlfriend dumped him via text message.

I immediately blurted out, "Who do you think you are? K-FED?"

Which is funny right? And he snickered. And then he turned all twitchy faced and was all, "I bet she thinks that is HILARIOUS."

Way to be an asshole AB.

Honestly, I do not understand breaking up with your boyfriend of THREE YEARS over a text message. Or breaking up with anyone that way. I suppose this is the new breaking up with the answering machine but it is a monster dick move. And he was pitiful. All, angsty and talking about how he wanted to work it out but she wouldn't even talk to him and blah blah blah.

I swear he was about to write in his diary and listen to the Cure all afternoon after I left.

I've confessed here before that I think he is just adorable. Dreamy even. And can you imagine how great your hair would look if your boyfriend blew it out for you every morning?

Good thing J has me in lock-down huh?

Wide Awake

I've been up since 4 am. I woke up to pee and then had to deal with a dachshund who wanted to play in the now snow-free yard. By the time I got settled back in bed I was hungry and after yesterday I am not messing with hungry (even after my double cheeseburger I was still hungry, I could eaten five of those fuckers).

This is how I am lying on the couch, eating cereal (still hungry!) and watching City Confidential on Ti-Faux.

I grabbed a blanket out of the linen cupboard and it smelled a little stale. So I sprayed it down with Febreeze. Anyone else notice that Target's generic Febreeze smells exactly like Brut cologne? This is my grandpa's cologne so I find it a comforting and homey smell. Wrapped up in my grandpa--not such a bad way to begin a Saturday.

At Least I Didn't Actually Vomit On The Train

WHY does Mystery, Alaska make me cry?

I a had a terrible, dirty rotten, no-good day involving intense hunger and no desire to eat and PUKING. Y'all are on the edge of your blog-reading seats yes. It seemed to drag on forever and damn I am glad to be back at home on my couch under a blanket. If only J could hurry with the cheeseburger (the poor dear, he called early and I was crying because I was hungry--gee I AM RATIONAL).

So, go read Alice, who is a fucking genious. I am so irritated by the shit that this country puts women through about motherhood. And now we are supposed to be in a state of constant readiness to be incubators and GOD FORBID we enjoy any adult pleasures like booze when GASP think of the children.

Notice that men have to give up jack shit. So much for solidarity.

Nothing to see here, I am all het up about not much and lying on the couch hoping for death (or a cheeseburger).

Beware Kittens

J left Buster's ear medicine on the couch with the top unscrewed. The ENTIRE bottle saturated the couch and now the entire house smells like candy peaches.

I think this is the meanest thing he has ever done to me.

Clearly unintentional, he doen't usually read here so I am sure he had no idea that the smell makes me want to hack up kittens with an axe.

God, it is like living in an ear mite medicine SWAMP.

Who Could Blame Him?

For the most part I feel really good. Tired and headachey. And I HAVE to eat or the world will spin the wrong way and people will die and the sun will turn purple but overall I don't feel so bad.

Which freaks me out constantly. Maybe something is wrong. Why don't I feel sick? And then I will lie there and think about gross things until I am ready to puke and then I almost puke and can't make it stop and start whining OH WOE TO ME.

I wish I were kidding.

Certain smells, which used to be maybe not my favorites but not repulsive are now Unacceptable. Just the slightest whiff of them make me want to fry up some human eyeballs. RAGE.

1. Buster's ear medicine (which smells like candy peaches which what is wrong with that?)
2. J's breath after a bean burrito.
3. Dog food.
4. Beer
5. Coconut hand lotion

These scents are Day Ruiners and should be avoided by EVERYONE IN THE WORLD until they stop bothering me. Do not make me ring vengence upon you all.

Certain foods have become Essential. Cereal. Frozen waffles. CHEESEBURGERS. My god. Pretty much those three and lemon candies are all I want to eat anymore.

I am pretty sure J wants to hold my head under water.

Crimes Against Kittens

This is the only good thing that happened to me today. Which is a good sign that I truly belong in Hell because DAMN enjoying the humiliations of your cat is clearly wrong.

And so fucking fun.

Rooster done got herself hooked into a plastic bag and with a crash that made my heart jump into my throat she knocked over two chairs and scared the dogs. She went and hit behind the bathtub--something that she can only do because we have a clawfoot. I couldn't coax her out, not with cooing, not with treats. So I did what anyone would do.

I got my camera.

The flash pissed her off and she bolted for under the guest room bed where I took this picture (notice the kitty death stare--I am pretty sure my heart will stop at exactly two am tomorrow morning). I did free her from the stupid bag (while she tried desperately to be seem disinterested all, "YAWN, well free me from whatever this thing is I barely noticed it, I don't care at all, but HURRY").

And then I posted it on the internet.

I expect my Hell bus any moment.

Grand Plan Failure

I was stuck at home all day today. At one point I had worked myself into such a guilt-induced hissy that I was about to get dressed and just GO even if it was a dumb idea. But I didn't go and instead spent the rest of the day on the couch.

I had grand plans, my house is an absolute pig sty and I have not been able to get it together to get it clean, why not take advantage of a non-sick day off of work when I cannot do a damn thing and clean the house?

I didn't do any of it y'all. All I did was eat and sleep and then eat some more. I don't want food ever again at this point and yet I have to slop the hogs in my stomach every couple of hours. I am embarrassed by myself at this point but I am a big giant cliche. All I did was sleep today and yet here it is 8:30 and I am totally ready for bed.

It is supposed to fucking snow again. Delightful.

I Hate The Goddamn Snow

Oh for FUCK'S SAKE.

Snowed in.

I really needed to be at work today and it isn't like I could even go back to sleep so I am just chilling on the couch. Watching my neighbors attempt to get out. If they are struggling to get off the street, then how the hell would I get 20 miles south into the city?

More than six inches and everything is iced down (yeah I hear the laughing from the east coast but we don't have snow removal equipment and everything is so hilly here). So I guess it is me and the dogs and my sweatpants eating frozen waffles today.

That sounds more fun than it actually will be.

I Hate The Fucking Snow

Well shit.

I sort of chuckled when I talked to my mother this morning and she was surprised that we didn't have snow. Bah! It's not that cold so of COURSE it won't snow.

I came out of the mall and DAYAM.

Six inches of snow. We actually had a small tree buckled under the weight and be pulled up out of the ground by the roots.

And we are supposed to get six more inches tonight. If there is a foot of fucking snow on the ground tomorrow I am not getting to work unless some one brings a hovercraft to my door.

Which somehow I doubt they will do.

DAMN IT.

I Am Sure Buster Will Assist Me With The Napping

Every year my mom and I go shopping on the Friday after Thanksgiving. We have an elaborate strategy--early start downtown, while the parade is happening, and then lunch when the parade ends. If we do it properly we are pretty much ready to go after lunch.

We were pretty wildly successful today, even though I wiped out beyond belief.

I need a nap.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving y'all.

The past year has been so amazing and I have so much to be thankful for: my beautiful home, being married to my best friend, the incredible directions both of our careers have gone, that my sister has fallen in love and gotten married--I can barely even list them all.

Of course I am most grateful for the chickpea that is making me feel so fucking sick today--a sure sign that he/she has stuck around another day. I had a crazy hormone driven sinus meltdown headache at my mom and dad's house today. I really missed being able to medicate that because DAYAM. Some of the pressure has been lifted now thanks to ice packs, hot rags and a shower but gross. And horrifying that nothing can be done.

But I am pretty sure the chickpea is still around.

So definitely a happy Thanksgiving.

I Fucking Hate Google

A friend of mine had a miscarriage yesterday.

She was twelve weeks, had pretty much told the entire world. She was supposed to be in the "safe" zone.

Of course you are never safe.

This was an oops baby, her first isn't even a year old. But she and her husband were thrilled, they wanted a big family.

I have nothing to say to that.

And because I am selfish and horrible I cannot help obsessing about myself. I read a horrfying thing--that 15% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. And there is nothing to do but wait until you find out if you drew the short straw.

I do not know what would happen to me if I lost this baby. I only know that I feel as though I hit the jackpot playing with my last nickel--only to be told now that I have what I wanted all along I have to keep playing for nine more months.

I Mean What Do You Follow That Up With

I have nothing to follow that up with.

I guess what no one tells you is that after you find out and freak out and start being really paranoid there isn't much to do. I mean the little freeloader is in there growing but it's not like he/she needs me to toss a hammer in there to help with construction. All there is to do is wait and worry and sleep.

GOD THE SLEEPING.

Well I did go to the doctor today, because they require that you take a test at their office (even though FUCK that noise since I already took two) and I had a mini-panic attack. What if I made this whole thing up? WHAT IF I AM TOO DUMB TO TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST?

It didn't help that J kept asking me if I had studied.

Not surprisingly (says the girl who put off returning the nurse's call for an hour) I am totally still pregnant. Now I just have to sit around some more.

Take A Moment and Say It With Me--HOLY SHIT

Two weeks ago I started noticing some strangeness.

I have been sleeping a lot. Going to bed at like 9pm. Napping through a lot of the 49ers (huge upset!) win yesterday. I felt like I was getting some sort of weird flu that I couldn't shake.

My breasts starting getting huge. For a small-breasted gal, popping out of C-cups (especially when you were just measured last month) is alarming. My nipples have been hard for three weeks straight. And they are the size of dinner plates (are you blushing? sorry to be so graphic y'all).

Most people would see where this was going but J and I have been total fucking failures in the reproductive department and we had no real reason to see this changing. The denial is strong with me yes. But since my breasts were starting to look like they had been carved out of marble (SO HARD, they don't even move anymore--like I got the fakes implants ever) and I could sniff out an orange from seven miles away my pal Linda (who is still on a break so why link her) bullied me into testing.

The second line appeared instantly. And I went screeching (I would like to pretend that I did this with calm dignity but I am pretty sure I sounded like a hysterical hyena) into our bedroom to wake up J who stared at me all stoned-looking and shocked. He thought I was lying or making shit up.

But y'all I done got myself all knocked up.

It took two and half years and a whole shitload of unprotected marital activity but the AB's are having a baby.

Worst Wife Ever

J bullied me into going golfing with him since it is the last decent weather of the year. And he totally got schooled by the thirteen year old. The poor kid, I felt sorry for him paired with us (and we were behind the most obnoxious slow-assed drunks) and we did attempt to set a good example.

We failed miserably.

But J did get stomped by a child which was AWESOME. I probably shouldn't enjoy that so much.

BUT I DO.

A Little Scary

We went to a hockey game tonight which is always good for mullet spotting. It is also a way to become really fucking pissed off at the stupid bitch next to me--the one who couldn't keep her damn legs closed (they had to be spread WIDE open, no wider than that, so that she was shoving me with her damn fat knees--J kindly pointed out that obviously she had never kept her legs closed given the HERD of children she had with her) and kept screaching at her kids to keep quiet WHILE HANDING THEM NOISEMAKERS AND COWBELLS GEE LADY WHY WOULD THEY BE LOUD?

It was a fun night though and we got to see friends of ours for the first time in quite a while. It was scary though, because the wife (who has a chronic illness) has clearly lost a lot of weight, her hair has thinned, something is obviously wrong. She has been ill her whole life and is not one to talk about it, so it wasn't something we could ask about. But it was startling to see her like that.

At least she ate a pizza--she can't be that ill.

The Season

J is back from Montana (after a harrowing threat of being stuck there and then having to fly halfway around the damn country to get here--one would think that it wouldn't be so damn hard to get home from somewhere so close to here), not that I am enjoying his company. Dude's working late AGAIN.

I was talking to this woman I know about the upcoming holidays and how crazy they can be. And I know that being Jewish means that Christmas is a whole hell of a lot less stressful than for those who celebrate it and since my family is small Thanksgiving is actually relaxing (especially since my mother actually likes cooking the meal!). But she told me that she spends about ten thousand dollars on Christmas.

TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS.

Where do people get ten thousand dollars? And why would they spend it on a holiday and not on a trip to Hawaii in January? She buys her kids everything on their lists and elaborate gifts for every member of her family. Plus they have huge family meals.

Now I can understand wanting to make the holidays special for your children. And wanting them to have beautiful memories is a noble goal. But I don't know, maybe I am naive but I don't think you need to spend ten thousand dollars to do it. I was stressed out just talking to her, no wonder she was so freaked out.

What I really didn't understand was her assertion that she "had" to do the holidays this way. No one has to do Christmas any particular way. Even if you have always done elaborate celebrations you can change that at any time. The point is to enjoy the holidays (religiously, secularly, as family occasions, however) in a way that works for your family. And anyone who gets bent because they are used to cashmere throws as gifts and got a fruit cake instead because you are trying to work within a budget can fuck themselves.

Though possibly you could word Grandma's card differently.

I sympathized with her so much but at the same time just lost patience. Suck it up and admit that you like blowing that much money and you enjoy it (which ok) or change it. But complaining about it or wondering aloud if you are raising spoiled children (because yes you are, though I am sure they are lovely--but seven year olds who own 200 dollar jeans are generally spoiled) is pointless.

I can't even think of a way to spend ten thousand dollars on toys for my kids (even if I had them). DAYAM. Maybe she'll adopt me--I do want a KitchenAide mixer.

I Don't Enjoy Being A Girl

I just ate a dinner of onion rings and watched NFL Replay--what's next? Scratching my balls on the couch and practicing my belching?

I did buy these (but on SALE) today so I am not a complete man. I really love them even though I know they are on the hootchy side. When I tried them on I am was just skipping around all happy which is exactly how new boots should make you feel. Of course now I need to pick out an outfit so I can wear them tomorrow. WHAT? Like you don't do that? You have to wear them the first day or it means you don't really like them. My mom taught me that.

In other news my boobs are still larger than normal and now they hurt. Sometimes being a girl sucks.

SELFISH

J is off being all fancy businessman in Montana (where he had a long discussion with the rental car company about not giving him a BIG GIANT RENTAL CAR--I thought Texas was where everything is bigger) and I am kicking it single girl style. Sadly, no male strippers just too many pizza rolls and cans of Diet Dr. Pepper (am living the wild life).

I used to love to live alone but now I feel like a big giant cliche because not so much. It is just sort of creepily quiet plus the dogs are being pissy about having to accept their medicinal cheese from me. The also both decided to have diarrhea in the cellar today which made that smell . . . delicious?

Why does Buster's ear medicine smell EXACTLY like peach candy? It is totally ruining peach candy for me.

In other news my boobs are . . .looking odd.

Just prior to my ladytime the girls tend to swell up a bit. This month they have swollen a lot--enough that I am thinking that maybe J has been using them for a kick boxing workout--and are pointing just slightly uh outward? Like my nipples are two lazy eyes? I don't know, it is freaking me out. It took me entirely too long this morning to jam my breasts into a bra.

And sadly, the one person I could legitimately make discuss my breasts with me is in Montana. Damn selfish man.

Positive or Negative?

We have a Sunday routine now. There is usually an early football game we want to see, one that is unavailable on our cable network because somehow the schedulers think that even people who live on the West Coast don't give a shit about teams on the West Coast and award us the fucking Eagles/Redskins game, and so we head to our bar around the corner.

We fucking love this bar.

It is a total dive. It has improved as the season has progressed because they got a second toilet in the ladies' room and there used to just be a rusty hole.

But the people are nice, we have our designated TV, they are generous with the booze in drinks (and they are value priced) and the breakfast is pretty good for a bar. And cheap to boot.

I still like watching the game better at home. Usually the audio is for a game on another TV and I miss the commentary (well sometimes because sometimes football commentary is worse than baseball commentary and that seems fucking impossible). I like curling up under a blanket at home and asking dumb questions (I am trying to learn all the penalty hand signals this year because it annoys me that J can guess the penalties first). At the bar it usually takes me a couple of bloody marys (fortunately the double is only four dollars on Sunday!) to loosen up enough to not feel self-conscious to scream FUMBLE FUMBLE FUMBLE at every opportunity (I mean, I still do it, even though it makes me self-conscious I can't help myself).

But it is sort of interesting to have your bar. We've carved a little spot in there for ourselves. We know most of the regulars, at least by sight, and the bartender and cook. They through us off today though, the regular bartender was sick and they had their weekday gal in there. I missed the regular one, she was much faster and looser with the drinks. But you can't have everything.

Two years ago I had watched maybe one NFL game all together. Today I walked into a bar and was greeted by "HEEEEEEEEEEEEY, the fucking 49ers fans are here! Change the corner TV."

I'm not sure what kind of accomplishment that is exactly.

DIFFERENT AND DIFFICULT

One of the big issues in my marriage is food.

Well, I mean sort of. I guess food is just where some of this comes out at is--in big ugly messes that lead to weird judgments of each other--the truth is the big issue is more of he didn't grow up the same as me and I didn't grow up the same as him and so together we are weird.

We are busy people. I like to cook but don't really have time for extensive meal planning. I think I am a good enough cook--I could be better but again these things take time which is one damn thing I do not have the episodes of Ellen on my Ti-Faux aren't going to watch themselves you know. So to me, when I take time and make something special that is like a statement. Not to get to melodramatic and oh my GOD like those girls who squeal at work, but you know it is part of taking care of my husband (fuck, I sound like such a tool but whatever notice I don't do it every day--he is grown adult he can feed himself). Unfortunately, J doesn't take it that way. He just shrugs it off as dinner and will gleefully eat leftovers right before because he's "hungry NOW" and doesn't want to wait. I mean he is just snacking, he'll still eat dinner, but to me it is like he just doesn't fucking care about me and my efforts and to him it is just eating.

Yes, I am aware that I am a giant fucking cliche.

The truth is that neither of us are wrong, which is sadly usually the case. We are just different and even when we explain our sides to each other there is some heading shaking on both of our parts and how SILLY the other is. He thinks dinner is just dinner and not a metaphor for our entire MARRIAGE?! And he has already moved on to thinking about gravy or something.

DIFFERENT.

At any rate it is both frustrating and unsolvable really, unless we would like to go back in time and have the same family of origin which would create a whole NEW SET of issues and be about eighty-eleven kinds of gross. So we just try to slog through it and not kill each other. So far so good.

Not sure I will make brined porkchops with lemon pepper new potatoes again any time soon though.

Soon

I have to admit there was some boozing in the AB household last night. There were drinks because we were happy, drinks because we were nervous that we were being too optimistics, drinks because things could still go wrong and drinks because they didn't.

I gave up early, watching returns is kind of dull. But the boys were up forever obsessing about the details.

I feel like the President has set back the country a couple of decades. That civil rights and the economy and our reputation in the world is going to take a generation to recover. This doesn't fix anything it just stops the bleeding.

Of course now J is talking (ok he already was) about 2008. I'm not quite ready for that.

But more ready than I was on Monday.

Thanks Seneca

Since this town is entirely shut down by record flooding and rain and wind and the traffic from Monday Night Football I came home early.

The house is still standing, that feels good.

It is oddly warm out--am worried that we are going to get cyclones or thunder or something.

The weekend was eventful. We went to the chiropractor where various joints and bones were cracked. We took Darla and Buster to the vet. My parents' dog Madeline tried to come home with us and had to be bodily removed from our car.

I am not ready to talk about Darla yet. Let me just say she has a potentially dangerous but probably nothing condition that is going to have to be addressed. I am being a big fucking baby about it (including a kind of humiliating meltdown in the car where I wiped my nose with my HAIR) but trying to get it together.

She is going to be FINE because my dogs are IMMORTAL and CANNOT DIE ESPECIALLY RIGHT NOW.

Obviously I am rational.

Seneca Wallace is kicking the shit out of the Raiders right now. I think that is going to help my denial.

Why Is Skin So Annoying

Why is it when you get a sunburn it tans out in a day or two to a lovely brown color but when you burn your hand on the door of the oven it just turns into an angry red spot?

At least the cookies are delicious.

Damn Candy

I believe that the Milky Way Midnight Bite Size are either the most perfect food ever created or a diabolical weapon from an unknown foe. Because I CANNOT stop eating them. Except for now, because I ate them all.

Well played unknown foe. WELL PLAYED.

I Am The Only One That Misses My Meg Ryan Cut

I feel like all I talk about anymore is my hair but I am still going to do it. Since it has crossed over from medium into long (but just barely long) I am getting a lot of comments. Universally complimentary, usually of the vaguely insulting kind (ie, "it's so cute NOW). It is a little ridiculous how much the boys seem to like it--do y'all have to be cliches? But even J has become just a normal piggy guy with begging me not to cut it.

I seem to be the only one that misses the short hair. Don't get me wrong, I think it looks good and it isn't SO MUCH work. But I just really identified with the sort of spunky, messy cuts that I used to get. To me they were cute and a little sexy but could be made casual or sophisticated. I just felt really comfortable in them. Turns out I was the only one and people just love love love the new look.

So I am trying to adjust to the boredom of long hair (it just looks the SAME every day--I mean yeah sometimes I wear it wavy but I don't know, so SAME) and DAYAM am I loving the return of pony tails on the weekend. Which brings me to my major complaint.

Fucking hair accessories.

I know I was a little scarred by the eighties. I still can't do pastels or colored socks or anything with hearts involved. And those claw clips with weird shapes on them have made me shudder at anything but the most basic (black) pieces. I found this really cute one last week, round plastic with these rubber strips in the center (fuck I am not describing this well--I'm making is sound like a primevil gynelogical torture device) that holds your pony tail. Looks sleek and clean. And doesn't FUCKING FIT OVER MY REALLY THICK GODDAMN HAIR. Which is the story of my life with hair--I break clips and rubber bands all the time. Updos do not stay. My hair just wants to be big and all over the place.

SEE WHY I MISS THE SHORT STUFF?